Fat Middle-Aged Genderqueer ASMR Unbagging Reaction: Trader Joe’s Crispy Dried Watermelon Chips

Need one o’ them there meridian responses?  Like unboxing and reaction videos?  Product reviews?  You like slow paced grainy video where the loudest sounds are packages rustling and fans whirring?  If ya want my body and ya think I’m sexy, come on baby let me know.  Sorry for rod stewarting at you there.  Point.

I referred to an inanimate object as crazy, in violation of my ableism policy, but I don’t know how to bleep it.  Enjoy this little walk on the wild side.  And go to sleep!

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Superhero Violence

Sure is fun when superheroes punch.  Nobody gets brain damaged or killed by it.  Biff bam boom.  This is less true when you get into edgier edges of the genre, like martial arts films where the punching goes on for hours and eventually some people get killed.  But if Captain America is punching a guy?  Spiderman?  Batman?  They just fly away and bounce, knocked out.  Beddy-bye time.

This was my problem with R Batts, as much excitement as that revisit to batmannery generated.  The initial trailer showed him beating on a guy to the point where IRL he’d be looking like Emmett Till, emphasizing that by having the other dudes in the gang watch the violence in mute horror.

This comes up in my dreams.  Last night I dreamed I was Spiderman, and I had to beat these super-powered bad guys.  But when does a beating stop?  In comics and movies it stops with the KO.  In my dreams, much like in real life, a person isn’t necessarily going to lose consciousness before the point where they become crippled or die.  So I punch this guy until he’s at a disadvantage and he’s still tusslin’.  Then I push his head against the ground hoping he’ll black out.  Instead his superpower finds final expression when he phases through the ground all the way to hell.  I said, damn, tell me he didn’t die!  I don’t want to kill people!  But his girlfriend was like, no, he’s dead.

The dream followed him into hell then, where he woke up feeling refreshed, the damage of violence falling away.  But he was in hell, so more tussling ahead.

My husband never liked superheroes because he identified more with the kind of weirdos they fight against.  The late Wesley Willis was not consistent about this, but it did come up a lot in his poetry.  Fighting with superheroes, not thinking of yourself as the person they would save.  This was not my point of view growing up.  I could be a superhero in my imagination.  I’m starting to feel it tho.  The idea one can punch this fucked up world into making sense is absurd on its face.  The face you’re punching.

Now we have Watchmen, The Boys, Damage Control, etc., looking at the other side of superheroics, with varying degrees of success and varying degrees of horror content.  I’m not really into those either.  I’m just pointing out a thing, not making any case for a way to address it, or saying it needs to be changed.  In the vast realm of comics I haven’t read, there is almost certainly one that would make me say Yeah, that’s it, but I’m not enough of a comic fan to be all that curious about it.  Feel free to drop recs anyway, or just talk about related subjects.

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Slices of You

Things are easier to cook when they’re thin.  You don’t have to cook them as long, so there’s less risk of overcooking if you watch what you’re doing.  And more importantly, less risk of some shit being burnt on the outside and raw or cold on the inside, which is an absolutely vile result.  I’m willing to bake or nuke something that comes with simple instructions, but otherwise it’s slicin’ and using a frying pan.

It’s also cool because you can get more of that crisp element of frying.  The outer edges and surface get crisp, and the thinner what you’re cooking is, the more of each bite that will posses that quality.  If it’s a vegetable I’m cooking, thin slices.  I don’t like the crunch of veggies, and thin veggies get soft faster in the pan.  Soft veggies for flavor, crisp meat or cheese… That’s the goods.

Even when cooking isn’t a consideration, I cut thin.  I got the idea from David Lynch.  Not to sound like a freak; feel like I’ve been mentioning him too much recently.  Some years ago I was watching an episode of Twin Peaks where Joan Chen was being tormented by (spoiler), losing her mind in the kitchen.  Her mental state was illustrated by having her slice an apple.  In America we almost always slice apples in wedges of roughly equal dimensions, but she was slicing it thin, like cheese or deli meat.

The scene had a sensuous quality, but maybe I just imagine that because Joan Chen is too beautiful.  Surely, she wasn’t supposed to be seen as erotic or romantic in that moment, not exactly.  But she can thin slice me any day, I tell you whut.

There’s an Electric Six song called Slices of You, and it’s not one of their best.  It’s fine.  But I think of this part from the breakdown, sometimes when I’m joanchenning an apple: “Everywhere I go, people ask me Valentine, what’s your recipe for love?  And I always tell them the same thing.  Cook the hell out of it, and SLICE IT.”

Anyway, I think about this often enough that I wondered if I’d already written a blog post on the subject, and I searched the archive here.  You know how many occurrences of the word “slice” there are on this blog?  I haven’t written about this exact subject before, but I’m starting to wonder if I have a problem here.

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JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Spoilers

Been watching yewchoob horseshit on the TV downstairs when I’m in a living-room-adjacent chore.  By default when I first turn the smort teevee on, it’s in this app that has a variety of channels.  One is “Anime All Day,” which has often been showing JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure.  JoJo has a wacky concept that the main character – the titular JoJo – is a different person from one season to the next.  This cursed family always has members whose names start with Jo, Joe, Gio, etc., who are destined to fight evil.  Of course there are superpowers and whatever whatever.

So there was a season a few years ago which is seeing a lot of play, where the JoJo duJour was trying to join the mafia in Italy, to become a “Gang Star.”  There have been a few things that jumped out at me as fun or noteworthy or weird about this show.  This be spoilery, but you aren’t going to watch this junk anyway, are you?

One.  People act surprised when somebody has superpowers, even tho superpowered people always wear wild-as-hell, very queer clothing.  But they’re all hetero?  Or not especially interested in boning down, that I’ve seen.  Ace?  But they dress like it’s always Mardi Gras.  What’s especially funny is they showed the childhood backstory of the supporting character Bruno Bucciarati, and his queer clothes were shown to be growing up with him!  Like, baby Bruno had a simpler version of the design, which added more details as he aged.  He always had hair like Louise Brooks, even tho he waited until he was a mob enforcer to add the little girl barrettes.

Two.  Bruno is the underboss of his lil squad of supergangsters, and is showing JoJo around.  One of the gang tries to prank JoJoJo by pissing in a teacup and handing it to him.  Now, this shit aired on TV in Japan, I imagine in an adult-oid-esque-ish time slot somewhere somehow, so there was no dongling on display.  They just showed a stream coming out from behind his hand, splashing in cup, steaming.  Then, “You have to drink this tea because I have offered it.  Don’t be rude.”

JoJoJoJo impresses the guys by drinking the whole mug.  They’re grossed out and amazed but surmise, correctly, he used a superpower to avoid swallowin’ that juice.  But here’s the thing.  That shit passed your lips, man.  You inhaled the vapors.  I don’t care if you transformed your teeth into jellyfish that could hold it until you spit it out later.  That’s just weird.  At that rate, you might as well swallow it.  I don’t know.  Maybe he had gout.

Three.  Trish Una is cute and cool.  The mob boss’s daughter.  Trish and Bruno are the obvious standout characters of the season, both looking way cuter and cooler than the JoJo.  Megan Thee Stallion did a cosplay of this character once, so you know she’s a winner.

People with superpowers have an inhuman projection of that power called a “stand,” which makes them “stand users.”  The stands are usually (if not always) named after rock or pop songs or bands.  Trish’s stand is called “Spice Girl.”  This gives me a Trish connection: Bébé Mélange is a joke off “Baby Spice“+”The Spice Melange.”  I can give more history on that in a separate post if anyone is interested.

Four.  The stands are named after music.  This shit would not fly in the USA, and good for Japan, frankly.  JoJo’s stand is named after Prince’s album The Gold Experience, Bruno’s is named Sticky Fingers after a Rolling Stones album, a character named Mista has a stand called Sex Pistols, and the big bad guy’s stand is named King Crimson.  One of the bad guys is ノトーリアス・B・I・G.  I’m tripping.

Five.  The best moment of the season (that I watched only in snipped moments) was when Bruno is taking Trish to see her father the mysterious mob boss.   They have this moment of tender melodrama, where she’s afraid of how it will go, and he’s reassuring, and she tries to act tough.  They hold hands as the elevator ascends.

Suddenly, Trish is gone.  Serious expression – what happened?  Then it’s revealed Bruno is still holding her hand – which is severed at the wrist.  It spews blood everywhere while he yells NANI?!! NANIIII?!?! with his eyes bugging out and wiggling.  The comedy, which I’m pretty sure was intentional, came from the contrast of the quiet, brooding, intense moment of dignity, of characters asserting their self-possession and humanity, contrasted with home boy losing his shit anime-style.

“Bizarre Adventure” living up to its name.  I’m down.  But still… Stop me before I weeb again.

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Make Your Own

There’s this song by Triple Six Mafia called Bin Laden Weed.  It’s actually got some emotional heft to it, for a rap song.  Usual content warnings for rap: misogyny, violence, self-harm, drug abuse, homophobia, some of those worse than others.  Anyway, I listened to this like a thousand times before I realized the recipe is right there in the chorus.  You too can make your own Bin Laden weed!

It’s “three types of weed grown all together,” and those types are “hydro … light green … bobby brown.”  How do you grow them together?  Just the same soil?  Grafting?  If you graft, what precise arrangement mingles their properties to produce this stuff?  We don’t have specifics, but we do have ingredients.  And I think at least one guy from this band is still alive, so maybe he can let us know.

Let us know!

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Igon and the Joy of Overacting

There’s a guy in the Elden Ring DLC Shadow of the Erdtree named Igon, who is just deeply hilarious.  The first time you become aware of him, he’s yelling and moaning in the distance.  As you approach, you find a crippled guy laying in a heap, alternating between over-wrought sobs and wailing about his agony, and thunderous self-righteous rage at the enemy who has laid him low.  CURSE YOU BAYLE!  oh, take mercy upon my broken body, do not savage me so.

Overacting is really good for a laugh.  Maybe I’d feel differently if I was drowning in it; I only see it occasionally.  This clip from the old cartoon Home Movies illustrates:

What can I say?  Me like funny voice.

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Jimmy Carter

it’s time.  electric six, the cheesy sex jokester band of early millennium, was moved by bush II to write a few political songs.  the spirit feels more appropriate than ever, of course.  clown band song for clown world.

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Discuss: The Great God Pan

Content Warning:  Wacky Fictionalization of Mental Illness.
I recently had occasion to read a short story from the late 19th century, which has an air of legend among horror heads.  Stephen King called it, “one of the best horror stories ever written.  Maybe the best in the English language.”  The Great God Pan, by Arthur Machen, is about a scary lady with connection to Something Man Was Not Meant to Know.  It leans heavily on implication and suffers a bit for having been written serially, but is still an interesting read.  I didn’t find this thing for myself.  As usual, it was my husband that brought it to my attention.
Beast from Seattle, where did you find out about this story?
drawing of the Beast from Seattle, a blue devilBfS:  I’m not sure which story we had been reading before, but I found it in the wikipedia page as being similar, a way I’ve found a lot of great stories.  Thanks wiki editors!
GAS:  That is pretty cool of them. What initially intrigued you about it?
BfS:  The concept was interesting, and the superlatives by folks like Steve up there were enticing.  I think we might have been reading Algernon Blackwood’s The Willows, and it was mentioned as being in that sort of eco-horror meets cosmic-horror type vein.
GAS:  Trewly it is.  In the setup these Victorian dudes are enthusiasts of the occult, one of them being a physician as well, with big Dr. Pretorius energy.  He develops a brain operation to allow a person a larger view of reality, which to him is personified by the pagan god Pan.  He does this surgery on a street urchin that he groomed for the purpose, and hijinks ensue.  So there’s the rustic horror of pagan goatboyism and the cosmic horror of awareness.
BfS:  It is funny that the ‘Pan’ in the story doesn’t seem to be a faun creature, like you would imagine.  The focus is on seeing ‘another world’ and then having a Lovecraftian breakdown into madness™.  I liked the idea of the ‘Pan’ in question being ‘everything’ as the word would imply.  The people are seeing some vision of everything all at once, that is too much to bear.  If anything was going to get you gibbering, I think it would be an extreme overload of information.  Really putting the pan in panic.
GAS:  At the same time, the “Everything” is personified as masculine, or masculine within the feminine, in the course of the story. It’s not as queer as I imagined with all the hype, but it’s queer enough one could run with that interpretation.  I originally wrote a juvenile joke here but had to delete it because too spoilery.
BfS:  That seemed to be a big source of all the shock and horror.  Sexual ambiguity as a real yikes for victorians.  I really wish the story went into more depth, but I suppose if they couldn’t even handle this much…
GAS:  That gets into a problem we had in a previous book club meeting with some other folks, while reading Turn of the Screw.  A story from a different time leaning on implication so hard you could, as a modern reader, feel like it was an endless tease, or too obscure to get.
BfS:  I didn’t get that impression as much with James, as just by its length and continuity, I could effectively get into the world.  This story is a bit more scattered with its timeline and hopping about so it was maybe harder to get into that mind state.  I believe he wrote the first chapter and third chapters as standalone stories, then tied them together with only a few more chapters between, which couldn’t have been easy.
GAS:  I actually love looking at literary classics and seeing their flaws, because as a creator it makes me feel more like I could write something that ranks well with the greats.  There are flawless stories, like the works of Kafka we’ve read, but even some really strong ones have issues.  This story is real cool, but weaker than most of the classics we’ve read, and probably for that exact reason.
BfS:  One thing I appreciated is that it actually gets more into the emotions of the characters feeling the cosmic terror.  Many of Lovecraft’s stories, even if I like them a lot, use the ‘and then I went crazy’ moment as a thought-terminating cliché.  Likewise with the ‘indescribable’ horrors.  Yeah, it’s real bad, but couldn’t you get into it a little more?  This still didn’t get as into it as I would like, but I felt going cuckoo was a little more justified.
GAS:  I wouldn’t have thought of that, but it’s true.  The emotions of those who get the Bad Knowledge are not well described in most stories with that subject.  But what is the Bad Knowledge here?  The lack of description reached a hilarious peak when a guy is reading an account of the forbidden experience, and he gives up, can’t go on any longer, sweating and freaking out.  Sounds dry here…  I guess my enjoyment was this: It’s the moment which comes closest to saying what is going on -the thing so horrible- but it can’t.  The story itself is falling on the fainting couch.
BfS:  It sounded like he read one sentence of people enjoying a sexytime and lost his shit.
GAS:  Unintended humor for us, but… this implication was enough to inspire a very outsized public reaction.  You told me about this…
BfS:  Yeah there’s a very amusingly overblown freakout from some lame critic you can find on the wiki.
GAS:  Lemme see…  “Why should he be allowed, for the sake of a few miserable pounds, to cast into our midst these monstrous creations of his diseased brain? … If the Press was so disposed it could stamp out such art and fiction in a few months: And that disposition must be acquired, must even be enforced.”  That reaction, once you’ve read the story, seems wild as hell.
And also from the wiki, one publisher declined to print it because it was “a clever story that … shrink[s] …from the central idea.”  So even at the time, some readers found the self-censorship over the top, while more conservative ones thought it didn’t go far enough.
BfS:  Something funny there, even the critic who hated this story so much was willing to call it ‘art’.
GAS:  Maybe dismissing art you don’t like as “not actually art” was more popular in the 20th century.  OK.  What did you find strong about it?  To the extent you can say without spoilers.  What moved your imagination?
BfS:  The premise is very strong, probably why so many people have done interpretations and offshoots.  Makes you want to see more done with it.  The author is said to have been inspired by a real life ruin he visited, and was trying to get at the feeling it gave him.  I think that’s a good thing to aspire toward, the sense of awe and mystery you can get, even if it’s better done in stories like the Willows.
GAS:  Agreed.  I think about eyeshine, about animals in the dark.  Not something he mentioned but it’s an image I come back to in my imagination of the world before electricity.  There is something looking at you, aware of you but beyond your understanding, supremely indifferent, possibly malevolent, and powerful because it has all the darkness of the universe behind it.  Appealing.
BfS:  There’s a great description of the look of one of the cursed dudes in that story that got spooked before his untimely demise.  “I could never have supposed that such an infernal medley of passions could have glared out of any human eyes; I almost fainted as I looked.  I knew I had looked into the eyes of a lost soul, Austin, the man’s outward form remained, but all hell was within it.  Furious lust, and hate that was like fire, and the loss of all hope and horror that seemed to shriek aloud to the night, though his teeth were shut; and the utter blackness of despair.”
GAS:  That’s why I was thinking of eyeshine, that part.  I remember now.  Good shit.  I had a thought that this story has something in common with the song Gloomy Sunday.  That song was about suicide, which was and is very taboo.  Back when it came out, it was credited with causing many suicides.  I have no doubt it was quoted by the suicidal, but causative?  No.  And it’s pretty tame.  The song ends with “I was only dreaming.”  Looks quaint to modern eyes, doesn’t live up to its infamy.  So with The Great God Pan.  I can’t imagine it corrupting the masses with its sexy ways, but the idea was there.
BfS:  Yeah in terms of horror, it was very tame compared to what Poe was doing decades earlier, or contemporary French writers.  The French were doing much sexier things as well, but I suppose that’s not too surprising.
GAS:  Sexy sexy sexy.  I’m into it.  The Great God Pan everybody, check it out.
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Addendum:  One observation about The Notorious GGP that I forgot to mention here, but I noticed as I read.  It was clearly a direct inspiration to Peter Straub’s Ghost Story, so much so that I feel his book was intended both as a sequel and as an exploration and expansion of the things in the original which were left unsaid.  The movie adaptation of Ghost Story ignored and changed the true nature of the monster from the novel, which was more similar to Pan.
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You Had the Surgery? Paper Doll Edition

I had a consciousness-raising experience about transgender people shortly after age thirty.  I don’t think I was a complete shit before that, but did have a few embarrassing missteps along the path.  I’ve always watched people around me more than I should, and during that time I started noticing whenever a person was androgynous or trans, and wondering, what’s that person got in their pants*?  Classic wildly offensive goof, which mostly had the self-awareness to stay unspoken.

But this instinct was reawakened in me by an image set on tumblr, from an anime called Oniisama E…, or Dear Brother….  For some reason, there are girls in that show drawn with the proportions of androgenized bods.  Broad shoulders, narrow hips, tall faces that make a forehead look short, strong chin, no visible breasts most of the time…  These are the idolized glamorous older girls too, not shunned weirdos.  And in the haze of this creepy terfesque genital obsession, I asked these paper dolls if they’d had, you know, the surgery..?

The answer is no, near as I can tell without watching the whole series and translating Japanese fan wikis.  One of them gets breast cancer in high school (u got spoiled!  as if you care lol).  They’re cis-girls, in that universe.  If somebody felt like watching the whole thing with the assumption they are trans in mind and doing the queer critical lens thing, that might be a diverting experiment.

I asked chat j’ai pété about it, and it said the original manga writer was inspired by the Takarazuka Revue, which seemed the opposite of what I’d expect to be the reason.  Also, the drawings from the original comic did not seem as fully masculine as the ones in the animated adaptation.  So, a hallucination, it seems.

Do any of you know if there’s a cultural reason why these anime cis girls look so non-passingly trans?  I don’t get the impression my comment section is bubbling with otaku energies, but I might as well crowd-source my curiosity.  This article isn’t the best showcase for it, but the cartoon looks very beautiful, which may be why it gripped me.  One of the less manly girls looks like Sean Young in Bladerunner, but they’re all very cute.  Never dubbed or subbed in English, so it slips away.

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*I think the vast majority of trans people will never, very seldom, or only situationally pass as cis, so the idea of passing as the singular goal of transition – the only fix for dysphoria – is harmful, even if it’s understandable that many of us are obsessed with it.

But still, even pretty hip people can be fooled hard by human androgyny.  I had a high school teacher with no breasts, an adam’s apple, and a deep cleft chin – who got pregnant and carried that baby to term.  Intersex but still functional, or just nature flexing on us?  I dunno.  Likewise, during my creepy shifty-eyed time, I had taken a skinny lady with an angular face as probably trans, and a few years later saw the same lady pregnant.

Most of the time you aren’t going to get a big tell like that, so you gotta learn to quell that curiosity when it arises.  I did it; you can too.

Sexy Pew Pew

You ever hear Sex Shooter, by Apollonia 6?  No?  I’m sorry, but now we must all experience it together.

This is profoundly unsexy and awkward.  I fucking love it.  It’s so funny to me.

These aren’t outfits, they’re underwear.  They’re wearing panty hose under their lingerie.  The side girls look like office ladies.

OK, I’ve got a bit of an “everyday people fetish” so the office ladies are a little hot, but still.  This whole production is embarrassing.  I like how lead girl is aiming for Marilyn Monroe but just coming out like she’s got a respiratory abnormality and needs to see an ENT.

She exhorts us to sing along.  Can you fucking imagine?  What crowd anywhere in the world would want to sing these lyrics back to the girls?  The fail, the cringe.  It’s adorable.  It feels like Rebecca Black trying to be cool.  I love you, pathetic girls.  I hope you’re in a better place now.

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EDIT:  Found out a little more.  Apparently these people were all wildly successful for being sexy and cool.  Who knew?  Lead singer there dated David Lee Roth and Prince, and starred in Purple Rain.  Skinny girl dated Prince and other famous dudes.  They are actually all singers, not just dancers or models…  This production really hinders the glamor, that’s for sure.

Incidentally, the song was written by Prince and he recorded a version of it, haha.  They can’t all be winners.