Deep thought meets poop joke

You know what mythical creatures seems like they would be awesome if they actually existed, but would actually be terrible? Pegasi*. I mean, think how terrible it is when a bird shits on you or right on the windshield of your car. Think of what a terrible mess geese make when they come through shitting on everything. Now extrapolate that to a bunch of fucking horses flying overhead. We wouldn’t be like “Oh, look at what soaring majestic beauty.” We’d be like “Oh fuck nooooooooo” and running for shelter.

That is all.

*Yes, the plural of Pegasus is Pegasi because “Pegasus” is Latin. The Greek version is “Pegasos.” I learned this solely because I wanted my discussion of Pegasus crap attacks to be grammatically correct. Even poop jokes can accidentally teach you something.

There is no hope for humanity

My new favorite thing is @herpderpedia on twitter, who is retweeting all of the completely moronic things people are saying because of the Wikipedia blackout. It’s simultaneously hilarious and soul crushing. There seem to be some common themes, like:

  • Why is Wikipedia down?! (If you could read, you would know…)
  • How am I supposed to do my homework without plagiarizing Wikipedia?!
  • Wikipedia is never coming back!
  • Why did Obama shut down Wikipedia?!
  • Wikipedia is gay!
  • Why did soap/a sofa shut down Wikipedia?!

Except with way more caps lock, swearing, and race/gender based insults.

Oddly, this fills the reddit shaped hole in my day.

 

I knew there was a reason I liked Harry Potter

I had no idea the Vatican had a chief exorcist. I’m not sure why I’m surprised – believing demons can possess people isn’t any wackier than believing in the resurrection. But I must say I’m disappointed. Apparently Father Gabriele Amorth is not a fan of Harry Potter:

Reading JK Rowling’s Harry Potter books is no less dangerous, said the 86-year-old priest, who is the honorary president for life of the International Association of Exorcists, which he founded in 1990, and whose favourite film is the 1973 horror classic, The Exorcist.

The Harry Potter books, which have sold millions of copies worldwide, “seem innocuous” but in fact encourage children to believe in black magic and wizardry, Father Amorth said.

“Practising yoga is Satanic, it leads to evil just like reading Harry Potter,” he told a film festival in Umbria this week, where he was invited to introduce The Rite, a film about exorcism starring Sir Anthony Hopkins as a Jesuit priest.

“In Harry Potter the Devil acts in a crafty and covert manner, under the guise of extraordinary powers, magic spells and curses,” said the priest, who in 1986 was appointed the chief exorcist for the Diocese of Rome.

Come on, you know he’s just worried about job security. Harry Potter provides an alternative hypothesis to demon possession – the Imperius curse. It has just as much evidence, so no wonder he’s worried.

What a Slytherin.

 

Religion is all about peace and love

For example, Mormon prophet Spencer W. Kimball wrote this about rape:

““In a forced contact such as rape or incest, the injured one is greatly outraged. If she has not cooperated and contributed to the foul deed, she is of course in a more favorable position. There is no condemnation where this is no voluntary participation.It is better to die in defending one’s virtue than to live having lost it without a struggle.”

And what’s the result of such a statement? Mormons who say stuff like this about 18 year old girls who commit suicide after years of being sexually abused by her family members:

I don’t care what did or did not happen to her. First and foremost, I don’t believe rape exists. When there are incidents that are classified as “rape,” or names that are similar, what usually ends up happening is that the “victim” tends to “forget” to mention immodesty, flirty actions, or other conduct on their part that contributed to the matter. A woman who dresses immodestly must accept accountability for her choice of attire.

If, in fact, this girl was being molested or forced into prostitution as the media outlets say her tweets claimed, then it was her fault that it happened, and continued to happen.

My brain just exploded with rage. What a monument of evil. What’s even scarier is you don’t have to dig into fundamentalist Mormonism to see people blaming rape victims because of their immodesty, or flirtiness, or sexy clothes. Walk into a college bar. Browse reddit. Attend a Republican rally. Hell, select a random person on the street. That victim blaming is depressingly common.

If any post deserves the “I hate people” tag, it’s certainly this one.

(Via Pharyngula)

Herman Cain’s pizza divinations

If politics doesn’t work out for Herman Cain (lol), maybe he can get paid to do cheap parlor tricks. Like determining people’s personality based on the pizza they like:

When questioned on what he could tell about a man by the type of pizza he likes, Cain declared, “The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is.” After being asked to explain his reasoning, the presidential hopeful said, “Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance.”

Cain then went a step further, ripping the delicacy of choice for veggie-hungry pizza fans: “A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.”

Obviously I’m a little unusual because I like black olives, and a slut because I like sausage. See, it works!

It’s sad when my number one reaction to quotes from Republican Presidental candidates is consistently “Not sure if this is from the Onion or not…”

Ben Cochran is a raging asshole

Remember that nursing student I blogged about the other day? The one who went on a disgustingly misogynistic diatribe in his student newspaper because someone couldn’t wipe his runny nose fast enough since harlots were getting birth control? Well, Ben Cochran’s apology was printed in the same newspaper today.

“Apology.”

If you were among the many who were offended by my column last week, then let me take this opportunity to offer you a heartfelt apology. I am well aware that my stance was not a popular one. As an Opinion columnist, my primary goal is to generate informed discussion. To that end, I intentionally try to be provocative. As such, sometimes my columns offend people. Please understand that my intent was not to cause people to become enraged. I simply hoped they would disagree with the expressed opinion and state reasons for that disagreement. I wanted to see a lively debate, and hopefully, learn something in the process. The position I argued for is a valid opinion by virtue of the fact that it is an opinion. Unfortunately, my word choice was not the best. I cannot believe I said “conscientious” when I really meant “conscious,” among other things. From now on, I will take greater care to exercise better judgment. As always, your responses are welcomed and encouraged.

…what a sack of shit. You have quite the class act there, East Carolina University.

“I’m sorry that you were offended by my perfectly correct and true statements” is the oldest not-pology in the book. And it’s also the biggest sign that you’re either incredibly dense, or incredibly full of yourself. Or in this case, likely both. Seriously, it’s not your provocative language that was the root of the problem – it’s the outright hatred of women and appalling ignorance about women’s health. Your choice of words just made that misogyny crystal clear, as if there was ever any question.

And really, “conscientious” instead of “conscious”? You have hundreds of people emailing your (female) Dean of Nursing explaining why you’re not fit to be a nursing student, and you respond by being a total smartass?

I hope this letter gets stapled to ever job or school application you ever submit. Prepare to have a Google Problem, Ben Cochran.

Did I mention his name was Ben Cochran? I’d say it a third time, but I’m afraid he’ll appear out of thin air.

More on woman hating

Ben Cochran is a nursing student at East Carolina University. He is also a misogynistic pig. I’ll let him do the talking (emphasis mine):

People go to the doctor when they’re sick.

If you’re a girl, sometimes you go to the doctor to get Pabst beer, or a pap smear, or something like that.

What girl have you ever heard of that goes to a doc in the box for birth control? None of them. They go to their gyno. It’s a matter of efficiency. If you have a lung problem, you see a pulmonologist. If you have a heart problem, you see a cardiologist. If you have a cunt problem, you see a gynecologist.

So I’m sitting in student health the other day, sneezing my friggin eyes out and coughing up green oysters wondering what in the name of great Zeus’s beard is taking so long. I’m just trying to get seen and have this purulent mucus extricated from my hacking body. Half an hour later, I finally see some movement stirring from across the waiting room. A nurse exits with about half a dozen girls, all grinning from ear to ear, bubbly and giggly as if they just scored their first alcohol purchase with a fake id. In their hands they carried what seemed like a solid 36 month’s worth of birth control.

First of all, not even porn stars need that much birth control. Second of all, do you mean to seriously tell me that I’ve been sitting here in misery for the last half an hour just so that this gaggle of preemie sluts could get a free pass on harlotry?

Go read your Redbook in the lobby of a specialist while you get a mani as you wait to get your hatchet wound inspected. Leave student health for those of us that are in actual need of medical attention.

Look, this is a university—an ivory tower of academic prowess. We don’t need to be handing out birth control left and right especially from an on campus location. This is a bastion for the intellectually competent. If you find your talents to lend themselves to a more base and carnal nature, perhaps this just isn’t the place for you.

I don’t take issue with sex mongers. They serve their place. Hell, according to the bible, it’s the oldest known profession on earth. So you sultry sex fiends are clearly established, but this is a place of higher being. Please take your gaping holes elsewhere for medical services, and leave the real health issues to those that actually belong on a college campus.

Heaven forbid you had to suffer through your stupid cold for thirty minutes because women were getting their preventative medicine. Those stupid whores should just accept their God given purpose as baby making machines. Duh. Aren’t you glad this guy is becoming a nurse? Or worse, that this letter could have just as easily been written by many of the people currently running for public office in the US?

A “cleaned up” version was printed in his student newspaper. Though really, it just removed some of the coarse language – the ignorance and hatred is still going strong.

I feel a little bad when I make posts without much commentary or detailed refutation, but sometimes it just doesn’t need it. But if you need a blow by blow take down, another blogger already has it covered.

Welcome to Seattle, Mom & Dad

Within hours of my parents arriving in Seattle, my parents witnessed a pimp making a deal with a john by shouting a phone number and instructions out of his car while stuck in traffic on Broadway on Capitol Hill.
Me: …I swear that’s the first time I’ve seen that happen.

What else will they see on their adventure out of the Midwest? No one knows! Hopefully not any homeless people’s genitalia!

A new earthquake hypothesis

Apparently the idea that immodestly dressed women cause earthquakes is sooooo last year. The real reason? Gay marriage, duh.

A New York rabbi claims gay marriage and the earthquake that shook the East Coast are directly connected.

In a video uploaded to YouTube, Levin says gay rights legislation, like the gay marriage law passed in New York, are responsible for earthquakes, like the one that struck Washington, D.C. Tuesday.

“The Talmud states, ‘You have shaken your male member in a place where it doesn’t belong. I too, will shake the Earth,’” Levin says.

He also notes that he does not dislike gay people.

“We don’t hate homosexuals,” he says. “I feel bad for homosexuals. It’s a revolt against God and literally, there’s hell to pay.”

On Top Magazine reports that Joseph Farah, editor of WorldNetDaily.com, expressed similar sentiments.

Obviously I must find some lucky lady to marry me in the name of science. Or we can just stop listening to bigoted religious wackadoodles who know nothing about natural disasters. What a novel idea.