1:57 am 8/1/2010

Spelios Bacoyanis, Blag Hag Staff Reporter

CHICAGO, IL – In what’s being heralded as a shocking move, the National Organization of Women (NOW) announced the end of Third Wave Feminism and the beginning of a Fourth Wave.

“It was time for a change,” said Jennifer Baumgardner, a pioneer of Third Wave Feminism and co-author of Manifesta, a leading treatise of Third Wave thought. “We just got tired of, you know, telling people that fuck-me pumps are empowering.”

Third Wave Feminism stood in stark contrast to its predecessor, Second Wave Feminism. Where the Second Wave addressed inequalities, sexuality, family, the workplace, and, perhaps most controversially, reproductive rights, Third Wave Feminism focused on sex-positivity, which gave a broader definition of what sex means and what oppression and empowerment may mean in the context of sex.

“Essentially, we just wanted to fuck and forget,” continued Baumgardner.

The next wave of feminism diverges dramatically from all previous waves of feminist theory. While gender equality remains the penumbral objective, the road to equality has a new path.

“With the economy being what it is, and the rigors of modern life being so difficult on everyone, we at NOW came to the inescapable conclusion that life before feminism was better for women,” said NOW president, Terry O’Neill. “Finding a good man to stand behind and producing him a son and heir, being soft spoken and subservient, and, most of all, staying in the house and only leaving with your husband’s permission are now the cornerstones. The Fourth Wave will empower women by alleviating them of all the bullshit one has to put up with in a modern society. If you can find a man that has a well paying job and who can provide, why not just live a comfortable life and just, you know, let him deal with it.”

O’Neill then quickly added, “Besides, it’s not that bad being second to the man of the house. You just have to remember your place sometimes.”

The evolution of Fourth Wave thought has been attributed to the success of the Twilight novels.

“While the thoughts have always been there, Twilight really opened up many women’s eyes by showing us that as independent as we want to be, we’re only worthwhile when we have an Edward to hold and love us,” Said Baumgardner. Edward, a sparkling obviously-not-gay vampire, is the love interest of the teen aged protagonist in the Twilight “saga”.

Despite the expedient move from Third to Fourth Wave, there has been very little resistance to the adoption of these new Fourth Wave Principles.

“The Third Wave had its time, but it has really started to get old.” Said Jen McCreight. “Sex is great and all, but every Third Waver knew, in their heart of hearts, that it couldn’t last. We all knew that, at some point, we were going to have to find a man to provide for us so we could just relax. We knew we had to sell out sometime.”

Added McCreight, “I just hope that there’s a sugar daddy left for me.”

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