Military investigators question Mayor Claar about UFOs (Fiction)

Sources say military investigators questioned Mayor Roger Claar for about an hour about Clow UFO Base:

Many sources in Village Hall say the investigators were from the successor program to the Advanced Aviation Threat Identification Program.  They were investigating a UFO sighting in California.  These sources said the investigators considered Claar a person of interest because he has family in California, and because of the Babbler’s articles about Claar being the administrator of Clow UFO Base.

“Clow is an airport,” Claar allegedly replied.  “It is not a UFO Base.  You can’t believe anything you read in the Babbler!”

“That’s interesting,” one investigator allegedly replied.  “PZ Myers says the same thing about the Babbler. But we spoke with military personnel who used to be close to PZ, and they said you cannot believe anything PZ says.  So if PZ is saying—”

“Oh, that’s just great!”  Claar allegedly snapped back.

Sources agree that the investigators showed Claar pictures of every UFO sighting in Illinois and California.

Claar, the sources say, was not happy with the questions:

“Just because something is unidentified, does not mean it is from outer space!  It could be drones, clouds, or hoaxes.  Don’t you guys read the Skeptical Inquirer?”

“Our superior officer says we shouldn’t read articles by people who don’t believe in UFOs.  They foster doubt about our mission.  If we doubt our mission, then we start doubting our superior officers.  If that happens, then who knows what would happen to the military.”

“I don’t want to know.”

Near the end, Claar pulled out his delegate card from the 2016 Republican Convention:

“See this card. It means I voted for our President at the convention.  I was willing to stick with him no matter how many rounds of votes it took to give him the nomination.  I remained a supporter after he was elected.  I didn’t distance myself from him during my last election.  As long as he doesn’t try to remove me from office, I will remain loyal to him.  Our President rewards loyalty.  So with that in mind, what do you think he would say if I called him right now?”

The investigators thanked him for his time and left.

When this reporter called for a comment, a receptionist answered the phone:

“Roger is preparing for this week’s Village Board meeting and cannot be disturbed.  Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Hello Comcast?  I know our franchise agreement doesn’t expire until 2020, but I was hoping that you would consider creating a Bolingbrook-friendly Internet Tier for our residents.  I’ll send you a list of sites you can exclude that are not Bolingbrook-friendly.  I’m so glad the FCC repealed net neutrality so I can help my residents avoid fake content from my foes!”

Also in the Babbler:

Sources: Trump vows to take down Freethought Blogs
Canada offers to buy Chicagoland from the US
Elf on a shelf arrested for spying on children
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/20/17

Rocket sled crash-lands in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

A rocket sled crash-landed in Bolingbrook after shooting through the air at supersonic speeds.  Miraculously, no one was killed or injured. The crash only resulted in minor damage to a street.

Eyewitnesses as far north as Round Lake Beach claim to have heard a sonic boom as the sled flew through the sky:

“I heard this loud boom,” said an anonymous eyewitness from Lake Zurich.  “My daughter yelled that Santa’s sleigh was on fire.  I looked where she was pointing. I saw this red dot in the sky, with a trail of black smoke behind it.  I was so shocked that I told my daughter Santa wasn’t about to die in a sleigh accident because he isn’t real.  She hasn’t talked to me since.  I hope you’re happy that you ruined my daughter’s Christmas, Mr. Rocket Man.”

Monique, a Lisle resident who asked that we not use her last name, said she saw the rocket sled descending over her home: “At first I thought many in the lying media were wrong about Santa, and he was about to visit me.  Then I realized that his sled was dropping too fast to safely land.  I tried to wave him off, and I think I succeeded because another rocket fired and he gained altitude.  I believe in Santa now, even if he almost destroyed my home.”

Seconds after Monique’s sighting, the sled crashed into Royce RD and tumbled several yards down Concord LN, then came to a stop just short of Clover Lane.

Lenny, a Bolingbrook resident who asked that we not use his last name, saw the crash landing: “That flying sled almost hit my car.  I’m never driving down Royce RD again!”

After police and firefighters surrounded the sled, a man stepped out of a pod inside.  Eyewitnesses agree that he was wearing a charred Santa Suit, the remains of a fake beard, and a crash helmet.  He raised his right fist into the air.

“I just proved that Santa doesn’t exist!”  He said.  “There’s no way he travels at supersonic speed and makes precision stops at every home on Earth!  He’s impossible, just like that old blog post said!”

Minutes later, Mayor Roger Claar appeared and scolded the pilot.  Claar told him that it was fortunate that no one died, and that the only damage was a few dents on the road.

“You could have hit the Honey-Jam Cafe or Portillo’s, or the site of the new Andy’s Frozen Custard.  What do you have to say for yourself?”

The pilot reached for his fireproof wallet and pulled out a credit card.

“How much can I legally donate to your campaign fund?”

Police immediately arrested the pilot but released him about an hour later. (Claar said he didn’t want to be known as “The mayor who arrested Santa” ). Some eyewitnesses say Claar told the pilot he was banned from Bolingbrook unless he agreed to do community service in Bolingbrook. “The Girl Scouts and Power Connection don’t count.”

Mayor Claar and the pilot could not be reached for comment.

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens laugh as Trustee Lawler says Bolingbrook will not tolerate drunk UFO pilots
Sources:  Steve Bannon threatens to run candidates in the 2019 Bolingbrook Election
New World Order close to making a decision about building a UFO Base in Peotone
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/7/17

Skepticon rejects Bolingbrook’s bid to host 2018 convention (Fiction)

Despite secret lobbying efforts from the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce, Skepticon officially chose St. Louis as their new host city.

“We are disappointed in Skepticon’s choice,” said a source within the Chamber.  “We feel that we had a competitive bid, and we feel that Bolingbrook is a great site for any convention.”

Skepticon, which describes itself as “The largest free skeptic conference in the nation, and possibly the universe,” is known for its coverage of both skeptical and social justice issues.  Sources within the Chamber say that winning the Skepticon bid could have been a big boost to tourism in Bolingbrook.

“Sure, Skepticon is filled with so-called social justice activists,” said another source.  “But they would have been our social justice activists, and even the most die-hard social justice activists need to spend money on food and hotels.  We could have made huge profits if we’d gotten this convention.  Just look at what it did for Springfield, MO.”

Sources within the Skepticon organization said they were flattered by Bolingbrook’s bid, but never seriously considered it.

One source, who asked to be called Rose, explained the reasons: “Most of us live in Missouri, so Bolingbrook is too far away for us.  Plus, most of the venues in Bolingbrook are too small for us.  The only place that we could hold it in was the Bolingbrook Golf Club, and even the discounted price was too much for us.”

The sources said they appreciated Bolingbrook’s efforts to make new homes accessible for people with disabilities, but cited other problems with Bolingbrook.  Among them were: a lack of public transportation options from both Chicago airports; a lack of sidewalks in Bolingbrook; and the distance between hotels and nearby restaurants.

Another source, who asked to be called Steve, had harsher words for Bolingbrook:  “We could not, in good conscience, go to Bolingbrook. Its mayor not only endorsed Trump but raised money for him as well.  We don’t expect our host mayors to be perfect, but (Mayor Roger Claar) is too far from perfect for us to move Skepticon to his community.”

Publicly, Skepticon denied ever receiving a bid from the Bolingbrook Chamber:  “We have no record of such a bid, and we’re skeptical that you interviewed anyone connected to Skepticon.  You can meet us in St. Louis next year.  Or the year after, or whenever we decide to start up Skepticon again.”

The Bolingbrook Chamber officially denied placing a bid for Skepticon: “The Babbler is already under a lifetime membership ban.  If we could extend it to two lifetimes, we would!”

A receptionist answered a call to Claar’s office. She said, “I’m sure Roger has never heard of Skepticon, and I’m skeptical of your sources for this so-called story.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “So Charline, this is the letter you want to send to Bolingbrook’s churches if the Johnson Amendment is repealed.”

“Yes.  Once churches are allowed to endorse political candidates, it will be important to control them.  Just like you took control of the Village Board and the Chamber of Commerce.”

“Well, I didn’t really take control of the Chamber—Oh my God!”

“What?”

“Charline, you really wrote, ‘Church and state make each other great.’ Seriously?”

“What’s wrong with that?”

Also in the Babbler:

Russian snow attack against Bolingbrook fails
Crocoducks spotted in Bolingbrook
Sources: Mayor Claar threatens to move all of Bolingbrook into DuPage County
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/15/17

Amid controversy, Joshie Berger opens a restaurant at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

OOC Note: My issue is with Joshie Berger, not any form of Judaism.

By Reporter X

Worst Cooks in America winner Joshie Berger refused to address assault allegations made by an ex-girlfriend as he opened a new restaurant at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“I don’t want to talk about an x-ray of a cracked eye socket.  I want to talk about the opening of Worst to First!  This is the story I want to tell.”

According to Berger, Worst to First features “Savory Secular Dishes with a dash of political incorrectness.”  He added, “I never am politically correct, and that’s why people love me.  You’ll also love my food.  Thanks to the Food Network, I’m now one of the best cooks in America, and visitors to Clow can enjoy my dogma-free dishes and say whatever they want.  No PC police allowed in my establishment!  Did I mention that I’m writing a book and I just found an interstellar publisher?”

DJ Grothe, former president of the James Randi Educational Foundation, and co-owner of Worst to First, sort of talked about the assault allegations against Berger.

“Both sides are wrong.  Sorry, wrong argument.  How do we know what is true?  The average person believes in UFOs, but all true rational people know that UFOs aren’t real.  Should we just take the word of someone without at least four rational witnesses?  I’m just playing devil’s advocate.  And despite what a certain sufferer of the ERA thinks, when I ran TAM, I never heard any complaints against Joshie within the prescribed time that I told every attendee about.  Any critic of post-modernism will agree with me.  So let’s stop talking about Facebook posts, and let’s unite the entire Atheist Movement behind Joshie’s cooking.”

During the opening day, the dishes received mixed reviews from the patrons.

Belzid, from the Kilitz Empire, said she loved her dish.  “I loved the Blackened Macaroni with American and Feta Cheese!  Most people would set a fire in the pan and walk away.  These noodles were burned with care!”

Zopastko, from the Polaris Alliance, did not like his dish.  “I ordered the BLT with fried lobster, and they gave me broiled lobster instead.  I was mad, but then Joshie came out and said a Yiddish word with his special accent.  How could I stay mad at him?”

While the opening night was busy, there was an incident when a human couple entered the restaurant.  Each one was wearing a faceplate.  Berger ran into the lobby and confronted them.

Berger:  You’re wearing face guards because you think I’m going to hit you, aren’t you?  Do you believe everything on the Internet?

Man:  Shalom Shabbat.  We —

Berger:  Shalom Shabbat?  It’s “Shabbat Shalom”. You’re (expletive deleted) Space Jews!

Woman:  We prefer to think of ourselves as members of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel.

Berger:  Well I prefer to think of you as Space Jews, and this is my place.  See the sign?  It says “No Political Correctness Allowed.”  So you’re Space Jews!

Woman: Maybe we should go elsewhere?

Berger:  Not yet.  You have to tell me why you’re wearing those things on your faces.

Man:  We are observing Parach today.

Berger:  Parach?

Woman:  Yes.  Centuries ago on Jaffa 4, all the plants suddenly experienced explosive growth.  The colony of David was covered under miles of branches and vines.  The inhabitants were down to a single tank of air.  So the survivors put on their respirators and prayed.  The tank only had enough air for one hour.

Man:  But a miracle occurred.  You know who spared the people of David, and the tank supplied seven days of air.  That was long enough for a rescue party to cut their way into the colony.

Woman:  So every time this year we wear replica respirators to remind ourselves that you know who is merciful as well as vengeful.  We might stay if you serve Jaffa kosher food.

Berger:  There’s no Kosher food of any kind served here, and what’s with all this “you know who” shtumpik?  How can you be a Space Jew and believe in God?

Man:  How could we see the marvels of the universe and not believe in you know who.  It is disrespectful to say His name.

Berger:  God!  God!  God!  God!

Man: You’re a schmuck, and we’re leaving.

Berger:  You’re the schmuck!  I’m the most famous gambler and cook in the skeptical movement.  People say I’m charming.  They say I’m funny.  That’s why I’m famous.  They can take away my social media accounts, but they can’t take away my restaurant.  And they can’t take away my guest spot on the Skeptics Guide to the Universe!  They have to have me on, even though I defected to the Illuminati.  Why?  Because I’m Joshie Berger and no true human being hates me!”

Also in the Babbler:

Eighty-year-old Bolingbrook pilot forced to rejoin the Air Force
Mayor Claar orders blast shelter for Village Hall.
Claar to Facebook:  Get rid of that parody page or I will ban Facebook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/26/17

The Village of Bolingbrook spent $2 million on ‘enhanced Illuminati membership’ (Fiction)

Did the Bolingbrook Board of Trustees approve spending $2 million on an “Illuminati membership enhancement” during their September 26 meeting?  Sources say yes.

Sources say the bill, which was disguised as bills for the Pathways Parade and the Bolingbrook Golf Club, was actually to enhance the Village’s membership in the Illuminati.  According to one source, the enhancement frees the village from the obligation to build coded monuments to the Illuminati or to require new road construction for Illuminati symbols.

“(Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is saving the village millions of dollars,” said one source.  “By spending this money now, we don’t have to spend millions down the road building statues or building new streets.  Roger is a smart man, who will help make the Illuminati great again.  Fnord!”

During the meeting, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, who is affiliated with the New World Order, asked why the bills weren’t given to the trustees in advance or posted on the website.  After being told that he could have gone to the village Attorney’s office for copies of the bills, Jaskiewicz voted no.  He said he could not vote to pay any bills without reviewing the details, and noted that the Village Attorney said payment could wait until the next board meeting. His no vote ended a 10-year streak without a no vote on the board.

One source, who asked to be called Lee, criticized Jaskiewicz: “It’s not easy covering up payments to the Illuminati.  Roger had a bad week, and it took him longer than expected.  He should have stayed quiet and voted yes… especially if he knows what’s good for Bolingbrook.”

David K. Nowicki, an expert on the Illuminati, believes enhanced membership in the Illuminati is a waste of money:  “All you need to do is designate three points in a community and draw a triangle to connect them to meet the requirements. I can designate The Bolingbrook Golf Club, Clow Airport, and The Promenade Bolingbrook as points on the triangle. Once people see a triangle, then the power of Pareidolia kicks in, and they imagine more Illuminati symbols in Bolingbrook.  I could have saved Bolingbrook $2 million if Claar had just asked me.”

A call to Mayor Claar’s office was answered by unofficial Bolingbrook spokesperson Charline Spencer: “The Illuminati died out in 1785.  Bob needs to resign for the good of Bolingbrook and let Roger pick the best person for the job.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Thank for your help at the last meeting.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Rick Morales said, “Sure thing coach!  In the football game of Bolingbrook politics, I will play any position you want me to.”

“I will remember that.”

“So, if I can ask, what are you going to do about the DACA residents in Bolingbrook?”

“Do I look like an immigration official?”

Also in the Babbler:

North Korean agents to kneel in front of the White House
Sources: International Humanist and Ethical Union banned from Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook witches vow to protect Bolingbrook football team
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/12/17

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook’s ‘Alt-right’ to host atheist convention (Fiction)

Content notice:  Depictions of the “Alt-Right” (Reminder: Fiction) 

Bolingbrook Beyond Belief. Summer 2019. "Atheism feels good, man!"

A proposed poster for the Bolingbrook Beyond Belief atheist convention.

The Bolingbrook Pepe the Frog Fan Club, a self-described “Alt-right group,” announced that they are organizing an atheist convention for the summer of 2018.

“We can’t hold rallies anymore because of the counter-protesters,” said Dennis, president of the club.  “We can, however, safely host an atheist convention.”

The convention, tentatively titled “Bolingbrook Beyond Belief” is inspired by the controversial Mythinformation Conference.  Like Mythicon, “Bolingbrook Beyond Belief” plans to feature predominately “Alt-right” speakers and have liberal “special guests” in the audience.

Alex, the group’s liaison to the Atheist Movement, says he strongly believes the “Alt-right” could be great allies:  “Look, we have much in common.  We both believe we’re smarter than average people.  We both believe that we’re being kept down by lesser people.  We both want to return to a glorious past.  We both hate feminists and Islamists.  We agree on 99 percent on the issues.  Why let a few minor issues, like the alleged humanity of non-whites, keep us apart?”

Dennis agreed:  “Love them or hate them, everyone knows that atheists are smart.  If we host an atheist convention, the public will realize that our ideas are worthy of intellectual consideration.  The atheist movement, in return, will get access to our army of trolls, funding from Mercer’s network of alt-right groups, and young men willing to march for atheism.  They’ll even leave the torches at home if asked to.   It’s a win-win for both of us!  The choice is simple.  Join us and other superior people as we try to peacefully cleanse the world, or let Skepticon define atheism.”

Alex pretended to gag when Skepticon was mentioned.

Dennis conceded that while many YouTube personalities have asked to speak at the convention, prominent atheist leaders have not agreed to speak at Bolingbrook Beyond Belief.

Alex felt that would change soon.  “We just sent an invitation to the most militant atheist in the country.  He says he represents all atheists, no matter what their other beliefs are.  So he has to come here.  When he does, other atheist thought leaders will come here.  It’s just—“

“(Expletive Deleted)!”

“What?”

“David Silverman, the president of American Atheists, just sent me an IM.  He says we’re evil, and sent me a link to his Facebook post.”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing.  We only promote evil ironically, so that makes it OK.  Is he going to come?”

“No.  He says he leads the marines of atheism, and marines don’t support Nazis.  He also says that he’ll personally rewrite the dictionary to exclude us from being defined as atheists.”

“Damn it!.  Well, we can invite Dave Smalley instead.”

“Yes.  Maybe he’ll be out of his denial phase by the time the convention starts.”

An e-mail from the Bolingbrook Skeptics denounced Bolingbrook Beyond Belief:  “The Alt-right is just a rebranding of fascism.  No matter what you call it, fascism is un-awesome!”

From the Webmaster: Maybe Milo and skepticism shouldn’t mix?

By Wendy Onofrey

Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

For some reason, Skeptic decided to post a review of Milo Yiannopoulos’s new book Dangerous.  Let’s just say that if Michael Shermer’s Moral Arc bends towards Milo, then count the staff of the Babbler out.

PZ Myers rightly condemns this favorable review.

Of course, this ‘review’ cites all the usual crap: Christina Hoff Sommers, there is no such thing as rape culture, except that when there is it comes from Islam, the police are the greatest defenders of the black community, and of course, political correctness, identity politics, and cultural Marxism. It’s a totally mindless recitation of the nonsense you get on Reddit and in YouTube comments.

Even Hayley Stevens has problems with the review and what its publication says about the skeptical movement.

Something like skepticism, as an approach to assessing claims and being proactive about tackling harmful misinformation, should be as free from ideologies as possible, and yet certain sections of organized skepticism (read: American, male, rich, and famous) seem to specifically target feminists, “identity politics” and some areas of the LGBTQ community – namely trans* people while writing fond reviews of problematic public figures such as Milo.

When Hayley and PZ agree, that’s a sign that maybe you’re doing something wrong.

To add insult to injury, Phil Torres writes for Salon about what he sees as the descent of New Atheism.

Although the new atheist movement once filled me with a great sense of optimism about the future of humanity, this is no longer the case. Movements always rise and fall — they have a life cycle, of sorts — but the fall of this movement has been especially poignant for me. The new atheists of today would rather complain about “trigger warnings” in classrooms than eliminate rape on campuses. They’d rather whine about “safe spaces” than help transgender people feel accepted by society. They loudly claim to support free speech and yet routinely ban dissenters from social media, blogs and websites.

All in all, it hasn’t been a good week for New Atheism.

Time for me to back to work on the next issue of the Babbler.  The staff on a big story that I plan on posting on Monday or Tuesday.

From the Webmaster: Save Snopes (Mixed)

We’ve had disagreements with Snopes before.  OK, a lot of differences, but we can’t deny that they are one of the best sites on the Internet.  With “fake news” and “alternative facts” flooding the Internet, they’re one of the best places to go for real news and real facts.

Is this the end of Snopes?

Now they’re facing financial problems and a legal dispute which may force them to shut down.

Since our inception, we have always been a self-sustaining site that provides a free service to the online world: we’ve had no sponsors, no outside investors or funding, and no source of revenue other than that provided by online advertising. Unfortunately, we have been cut off from our historic source of advertising income.

We had previously contracted with an outside vendor to provide certain services for Snopes.com. That contractual relationship ended earlier this year, but the vendor will not acknowledge the change in contractual status and continues to essentially hold the Snopes.com web site hostage. Although we maintain editorial control (for now), the vendor will not relinquish the site’s hosting to our control, so we cannot modify the site, develop it, or — most crucially — place advertising on it. The vendor continues to insert their own ads and has been withholding the advertising revenue from us.

Snopes has setup a fundraising page in response.  As of this writing, it’s still short of its $500,000 goal.  Most of the staff of the Babbler, including myself, have donated.

For over twenty years, Snopes has practiced skepticism in its purest form.  If we’re willing to support it, then maybe all of the skeptical readers who frequent Freethought Blogs should too.

Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Web Exclusive: Skeptic Society named official skeptic organization of the Illuminati (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Skeptics Society is now the official skeptical organization of the Illuminati.

A UFO greets the Skeptics Society at Clow UFO Base.

First Lady Melania Trump announced the decision during a press conference at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  She explained that since evicting the Center for Inquiry, and Skepchick, from all Illuminati controlled bases, a “debunking gap” has formed.

“The illegal New World Order advertise that they have the best debunkers working for them.  That is an alternative fact!  Our alliance with the Skeptics Society means that we not only have the best UFO debunkers in the world, we also have the best gas lighters, period.  Illuminati bases are now the only rational choice for any visitors to the best planet in the universe.”

Mrs. Trump then introduced the Skeptics Society Executive Director Michael Shermer.  She praised his efforts to “subtlety” encourage atheists to support President Donald Trump.

“Michael knows that my husband is the key to transitioning from global order to global chaos.  It is natural that he would choose to ally his society with the Illuminati.”

Shermer reached for Mrs. Trump as she approached the table.  Mrs. Trump and her guards glared at him.  Shermer backed away, then addressed the press:

“The human race has been fooled into believing that the New World Order has made the world better.  The mind of the market makes the world better.  I support the Illuminati’s efforts to liberate the world’s markets! Fnord!”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar welcomed Shermer and the new embassy staff members to Clow UFO Base:

“When I need a UFO sighting debunked, I will be happy to only deal with one group of skeptics.  Skepchick staffers were OK, even if I didn’t agree with them.  With CFI, I never knew where they stood.  One minute they were liberal.  The next they were conservative.  You never knew.  With the Skeptics Society, I know I’m dealing with an organization that is committed to the goals of the Illuminati.  Ford!”

Claar then announced the cancellation of the Skeptics Guide to the Universe live recording at Clow.  As the aliens expressed disapproval, Claar explained that he made the decision because the SGU were still loyal to the New World Order.

Next, he introduced two members of the Skepticality Team: Tim Farley, and Derek Colanduno.  Skepticality would be substituting for the SGU because they are the official podcast of the Skeptics Society.

A reporter said, “I think I remember Skepticality.  Will Swoopy be part of the live recording?”

“No,” answered Claar.  “She’s too busy with school work.”

The aliens expressed their disappointment.

“(Expletive Deleted) you!”  Said Colanduno.  “I work hard to produce these episodes!”

Shermer walked backstage as Colanduno calmed down.

Farley, who seemed to be in a better mood, said he was excited about the upcoming recording.  “What’s the harm in supporting the Illuminati?  There is no harm!  It’s great, and I can’t wait to touch the glowing orb.  Fnord!”

Colanduno said it was time to look forward.  “I don’t want to harp on the past. I can’t keep looking in my rear view mirror. Brian Dunning said it best: We have purged the irrational and emotional frauds, and now have a pure skeptical movement that is dedicated to reason and—”  He jumped up from his chair.  “Science!”

Shermer then was tossed back onto the stage and crash-landed on the table.  An alien from Barnard’s Star planet walked out.

“When I say leave me alone, I mean leave me alone!” , said the alien as she walked away.

Shermer stood up.  “Female oversensitivity seems to be a universal problem.”  Shemer laughed, but no one else did.  “Now we will show the funky side of skepticism by inviting George Hrab on stage for a special performance.”

Claar then inquired: “I thought Tim Minchin was going to be the performer?”

Shermer replied: “He insisted on playing the Pope Song in front of Melania.  So I had to send him home.”

Claar: “Good choice.  I think we’ve had enough free speech here for one day.”

Bolingbrook man debunks skepticism (Fiction)

Vince Q. Baker, who recently moved to Bolingbrook, says he debunked skepticism by having a fake article posted in a skeptical Facebook group.

“Thanks to my hoax, everyone is now free to research Bigfoot, UFOs, the Loch Ness Monster, and mermaids without fear of bullying from skeptics!”

Baker, who reads about the paranormal every day on the Internet, was sick of seeing skeptics “trolling” his favorite sites.  Since he believes that skeptics are just people who blindly follow men like James Randi and Richard Dawkins, he decided to debunk skepticism. He attempted to have a fake article published in a prominent skeptical magazine or blog.

He titled his 2000 word article, “Debunking UFOS and Bigfoot: Why smart people aren’t as skeptical as you.”   Baker filled the article with references to Randi, Dawkins, Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens, and Michael Shermer. He also added, “skeptical words, and technical words,” to make the reader feel important.

Baker provided a copy of the article to the Babbler. It starts with this lead:

“People who are smart like PZ Myers, can suffer from cognitive dissonance, as is suspected of every member of Atheism+, and thus cannot achieve the deeper understanding, as demonstrated by Richard Dawkins, that can lead to the acceptance of realistic views of race, IQ scores, evolutionary psychology, and gender equality, as well the rejection of UFOs, El Chupacabra, homeopathy, and any so-called “wave” of feminism.”

Baker claims that he submitted the article to the Skeptical Inquirer, one of the major magazines of the skeptical movement.  He later received an unsigned rejection letter, with a handwritten note, stating that he should ask the Bolingbrook Skeptics if he could post it in their closed Facebook group.  The letter concluded by saying that SI had already selected their stories for the next five years, and wished Baker good luck with his future endeavors.

According to Baker, he then created a fake profile and submitted a join request to the Bolingbrook Skeptics’ Facebook group.  Once accepted, he posted his article and waited.

“There were a few likes and some comments about being confused by the writing.  Still, the story wasn’t pulled.  That means I debunked skepticism, and that we’re now ok to ponder free energy machines, and Hollow Earth Theory!  I am now the most important resident in the history of Bolingbrook!”

When asked to comment, the Bolingbrook Skeptics sent this message:  “As skeptics, we must admit our mistakes to each other, but we are not required to confess them to you.  May you purveyors of woo be strangled by his noodly appendages!  Argh!”

Beth, a spokesperson for the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, SI’s publisher, denied receiving the article or rejecting it.

“Even if we had published it, so what?  It just would have meant that we made a mistake.  Just like when a nuclear physics conference accepted a paper that was written by only using autocomplete.  It didn’t debunk physics.  It just ruined the reputation of the conference.”

A man in the background spoke up:  “Hi Beth.  Once you’re done with that call, I need you to work on a press release.”

“Okay.”

“You know about the phony paper Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay were shopping around?”

“Yeah.  It was rejected by NORMA, which proved that there is at least one gender studies journal with standards.”

“Well, they got it published in Cogent Social Sciences, meaning that we just debunked the entire field of gender studies!”

“What?  That’s not right.”

“Well,  Richard Dawkins thinks it’s right, and that’s all that matters.  So I need the press release out ASAP.”

“But–”

“You know what employment prospects are like for people who leave openly atheistic organizations?  Oh, and the American Humanist Association isn’t hiring.”

After several seconds, Beth began to cry.

“There is a secular hell, and I’m in it!”

Also in the Babbler: 

Mayor Claar performs his first Illuminati Glowing Orb Ceremony
Lisle’s trees warn incoming trustees of the cost of failure
Aliens arrested for shoplifting at Bolingbrook Macy’s
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/17