What trans people mean when we say “misgendering is violence”

Content Notice: Dissecting hate speech, TERFs and transphobia

I’d like to introduce you to a concept, of which there seem to be multiple sources or authors. It’s often called The Violence Pyramid, or another derivative thereof. As would be suggested by the notion of a pyramid, each level facilitates movement to the one above it, the same way one builds a pyramid. In this case, reaching the top is not desirable.

Source: cindywatt

Also from cindywatt:

Psychotherapist Howard Halpern, in a brilliant New York Times piece in 1995, gave a spot on summation of gradual escalation of hate and violence.  He said, “ Social psychologists and demagogues have long known that if ordinary citizens are to be provoked to violent actions against individuals or groups of fellow citizens, it is necessary to sever the empathic bond with those to be attacked by painting them as different and despicable.   We are unlikely to harm a friendly neighbor because she has strong views about equal rights for women, but if we call her a “femi-Nazi,” she becomes “the other” — evil, dangerous, hated.  We are unlikely to harm the couple down the block who are active on behalf of protecting endangered species, but if we call them “environmental whackos,” they become “the other” — weirdos who must be vilified and suppressed as enemies to “normal” Americans. When our shared humanity with those with whom we disagree is stripped away, it becomes acceptable to blow them up. The answer is certainly not to censor such speech, but those who recognize this danger must challenge it wherever it exists, even in those with whom we politically agree.” 

Not to pull a Godwin, but the above proposed pyramid is practically a timeline for Hitler’s rise to power. He unified a particular demographic of Germans and whipped them into a froth over how unfairly they were treated, then he tapped into a pre-existing prejudice (antisemitism) and over the course of his election, and after it, gradually escalated his chosen boogeyman until at least some Germans–enough Germans–felt justified in state-sponsored violence against Jews.

When I react strongly to misgendering, this pyramid is what comes to mind. The bottom stripe mentions “insensitive remarks and non-inclusive language.” I have to wonder: This person is already denying me a critically important aspect of my identity–is there anything else they will take hostage?

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No space for trans folk in trans spaces

Content Notice: Angry use of t-word slur.

I get that Reddit is something of a pseudo-anarchist website in the sense that various subreddits are subject to little outside policing, but that doesn’t mean it is unique in this particular issue: One of the types of people attending trans spaces are “allies” who are desperately scrambling for answers and justification for leaving relationships of partners who have decided to transition.

There’s a reason I place so much value in good-and-proper “NO CIS PEOPLE” spaces. Few and far between, these “allies” are a giant pain in the ass when they enter the “all are welcome” trans spaces. Pro tip: If all are welcome, it ain’t a trans space.

Cis dude posts a story about his wife coming out as a trans man. The “coming out” process was almost two years prior to writing the post–referring to his now-husband as a wife is pretty fucking insulting after that amount of time. A couple months and he’d receive some gentle correction from me. A couple years? Get with the program buddy. But cis dude wants assurances that he’s not transphobic for losing attraction to his spouse.

Well, if all cis dude did was say, “my wife is now my husband and I’m straight, am I transphobic to break off the marriage?” the answer would be no. But he got called out for referring to his spouse as his wife after two frackin’ years into his transition. It just did not register to him that he was belittling his husband’s identity–cis dude’s straightness took priority. Wife this, wife that. Female this, female that. I’m straight. No really, I’m straight straight straight.

Cis dude is promptly called out for it.

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Moderate Religion: I don’t care

I know this will be a somewhat contentious statement given who participates on this network, but when it comes to capital-M Moderates in religion, I don’t care.

Don’t get me wrong, I am suspicious of faith placed in a concept that cannot be tested or observed. But I am not automatically opposed to faith per se. Faith seems to be a fairly healthy bedrock for relationships, for example, and it is seen as acceptable–expected, even–to have faith in one’s romantic partners. To be skeptical of your partner’s pursuits and goals and dreams is to be an asshole, a wet blanket, a ball and chain that holds them down; you’ll apply faith if you don’t have certainty on what those pursuits will look like if you’re being a supportive partner.

So faith, conceptually, is not that bad in my opinion. And more often than not, if you query a Moderate congregation, they’re more likely to be pretty on the fence about the God issue, but they’ll have often invested faith in their communities. They trust their leaders to advise them on issues such as honesty, relationships, self-esteem–and because we’re discussing Moderates, sometimes the advice is alright. Indeed, in Moderate congregations, where just about anyone can ask to lead a gathering, you’ll get people of all kinds of educational and professional backgrounds giving advice on these topics without mentioning the Bible or Quran or Torah once.

I make a habit out of visiting religious institutions every so often. Moderate congregations have a lot in common, be they Christians, Muslim, or Jewish. With the Jewish and Muslim and Eastern European Orthodox Moderate gatherings in particular, the conversation is just as much cultural as it is faith-based. The participants are united by a sense of Otherness, of being alien, and at least part of their participation is simply wishing to stay connected with their cultural roots while they carry on with their Canadian lives elsewhere. I’ve even been in Moderate gatherings where they have openly admitted a values dissonance with the origin culture, Mosques admitting the Islamic Republics from which many of those gathered came carried out brutal human rights violations. Of course, the gathering nodded along; many of them fled those same republics for that exact reason. The younger generation seemed less sure–they had always known Canada, and their congregations weren’t spewing constant hellfire over Queers.

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When TERFs pop up on your feed

It’s supposed to be a time of self care for me, following the shooting in Orlando and the various pressures that have been riding my back for some time. I try to control where I dip into the news, focusing on blasting the Dickweed Party, because they’re low-hanging fruit and not particularly difficult to refute. But this morning, I was dismayed to see this pop up on my morning feed, from another friend’s “like” on a stranger’s post. Let’s call the author EL.

Content Notice: Every transphobic dog whistle under the sun.

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Political roundup: Albertan values edition

In case y’all ever wonder why I hate this Province, I present a reminder: a picture of a target made in the likeness of the Albertan Premier, Rachel Notley, was posted by the organizer of an oilmen’s golf tournament yesterday afternoon:

An organizer of a golf tournament says he’s not sorry for putting up a target displaying a photo of Premier Rachel Notley’s face on a golf course.

Ernest Bothi, president of the Brooks Big Country Oilmen’s Association, said the sign was displayed at a tournament held Friday at the Brooks Golf Club.

He said the photo of Notley was placed intentionally and was meant to be a target. Although he said no one actually hit the display, Bothi defended his right to have it there.

Oh Dog, not another one. Get yer bingo cards!

It’s called freedom of speech.

*stamps freeze peach*

“I’m the president of the organization. I take full responsibility for it. And I did it because I see a lot of frustrated people out there,” Bothi said.

*stamps psychological projection*

“The picture was just a headshot. It wasn’t anything of a lewd nature. We just went out, everybody played 18 holes. That was it.”

*stamps Mansplaining*

Bothi said that the group members of the Brooks Big Country Oilmen’s Association playing in the tournament are “fed up” with people being out of work and the increased cost of living.

*stamps misattribution error*

“This has nothing to do with a physical attack. We didn’t burn her in effigy or anything like that. We just wanted to release some steam,” Bothi said. “It’s just, enough’s enough.”

*stamps denialism*

Important observation: Bothi has exactly zero pending criminal charges laid against him. He is free to be a fucking asshat, just as we are free to call him one. Seriously, stop misusing the term freedom of fuck mothering speech.

Implying violent acts through the use of an identifiable target is pretty much always tasteless. Doubly tasteless right now, considering a British MP was recently assassinated for her policy. Triply tasteless, because violence against women is still epidemic in the West. I’m not sure what part of “haha, I blow off steam by fantasizing about violence against you” is funny.

Derek Fildebrandt, the Dickweed Wildrose MLA who apologized for getting caught endorsing a transphobic & homophobic comment without reading it, responds:

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Stop telling me how to grieve

Source: Assigned Male

Source: Assigned Male

 

Source: Assigned Male

Source: Assigned Male

I’d crack a joke about throwing shade, but seriously, cishets, I need you to drink the tallest glass of Shut The Fuck Up you can find.

-Shiv

Intersectionality & violence

Content Notice: Discussing Orlando, but less anger and no vivid description of terrible things this time.

My colleague over at Death to Squirrels (hi Iris *waves*) posted something that finally knocked over a domino in my head. In her post, she says (emphasis mine):

I also think that what makes this mass shooting particularly difficult to process is that it implicates multiple intersections of queerness, racism, homophobia, religion, policing, mental illness, terrorism, gun violence, domestic violence and more.

Gah. Duh. Thanks for screwing in my lightbulb, Iris. You’re fab and ilu.

I’ve been dizzied by some of the participants in this conversation. They hone in on their pet issue with a laser-like focus. Something about this strategy always rubbed me the wrong way. It wasn’t homophobia, it was Islam. It wasn’t Islam, it was guns. It wasn’t guns, it was toxic masculinity. It wasn’t toxic masculinity, it was homophobia. It wasn’t regular homophobia, it was also internalized homophobia. And on and on.

And I read Iris’ post and I was like, I figured it out:

Y’all are White Feminists.

White Feminists refer to a specific iteration of feminism that lacks intersections. It subscribes to universal womanhoods, assumes all women occupy the same station in society, and redresses what they see to be pressing injustices within that station. And this is not to say that none of the White Feminists’ concerns are invalid–however, equal access to promotions would be of small consolation to, say, the trans woman held in a men’s prison.

White Feminists have notoriety for their laser-like interpretation of the patriarchy. Feminists of colour, trans feminists, atheist feminists, working-class feminists, kinky feminists, queer feminists and more have all blasted White Feminist literature for patently refusing to acknowledge the interaction between sexism and one’s other minority demographics, be it economic class, race, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, gender variance, you name it. The contrasted movement is intersectionality, which when we’re discussing acts of oppression, tries to consider the sum of one’s minority demographics as greater than and inseparable from the whole of its parts.

Most of the participants probably aren’t feminists, so I’m not actually accusing (most) of them of being White Feminists. Rather it’s a metaphor. Allow me to use the Royal You for a moment, and describe generally and not necessarily You, but possibly You, the reader: You’re honing in on one cause of the Orlando shooter’s actions, when there ain’t one cause.

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Weddings don’t seem to be so bad anymore

Brief aside: Due to mental health concerns, I am largely avoiding the news. I intend to keep blagging but the content over the next little while, best guess a few weeks, will be either personal, humorous, or adorably clumsy animal .gifs.

Weddings used to be mine fields for gender dysphoria. I hated them. The closest I came to liking them was at a Latinx wedding, because they played cha-cha-cha and samba during the reception instead of pop music.

I hate pop music, too.

Anyway, dysphoria, weddings. Awful thing The First: Forcing me into a men’s suit. I’m barely five feet tall and a ~115 pounds. There is not an adult man suit made on this planet that will fit me. These ill-fitting suits gave me plenty of reminders that something was wrong–though my last wedding attended prior to transitioning was still years from actually coming to terms with my gender. I kept looking at the women, thinking I was attracted to them (which was only occasionally the case), but most of the oggling was actually, “what would I wear to a wedding, given the choice? Her top plus her shoes with something different for the legs.” But men’s suits? Might as well ask me to wear an angry boa constrictor.

Now I have fun with weddings. I try to do something that’s still punk, even though I’m going formal. Think LBD’s with knee-high gladiator heels, or dress shirt and lady vest with shiny spandex pants and polished boots. Rainbow accessories are a must–any Queers suffering at a straight wedding ought to find refuge with me. I’m on the lookout for a rainbow underbust belt. Smoky cat’s eye eye-shadow is a must–can’t forget our busy evening of smouldering at straight people.

Awful thing The Second: What is with all the gender segregated traditions?

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What do the Cologne rapes and the Pulse shooting have in common?

Y’all didn’t have a single iota of fucks to give about violence against minorities until you could blame a Muslim for it.

Content Notice: Mentions of suicide, a description of the murder scene, plus the stuff that is probably apparent given the title of the article.

I speak, of course, of a very particular tract in this conversation, which means if this doesn’t sound like you, then this post isn’t directed at you. If you want an even hand, a level contribution to the discussion, go here or here. I’m sure there are other very reasonable arguments being made, but I need you to understand one thing:

Orlando was a message, and I am among its recipients.

This is not something I can cover without breaking into tears. This is not something I can cover without being reminded why high bridges and the edges of knives look so attractive. This is not something I can cover without picturing my family, my chosen family, on the floor of that nightclub, their phones ringing in their own blood while I’m frantically calling them. This is not something I can cover without thinking about all the stupid snapchats and videos and pictures they send me, knowing that in different circumstances it could have been footage of the last seconds of their life.

This is not an issue I have the benefit of distance from. I can’t lounge around in a chair and pontificate from the pipe in my hands.

A lot of people are jumping into this conversation. And it’s bad enough that I can’t simply mourn this attack on my community, it’s bad enough that I can’t even be angry at who I want without cishets shouting at me and telling me how I should be outraged, it’s bad enough that my Queer Latinx brothers and sisters witness this crime be literally whitewashed, I have to find that my attempts to seek out solidarity, are met with people who have never shown any inclination for giving a single fuck about anti-queer violence until it was a brown man who pulled the trigger.

This is shady as fuck. I see you, crawling out of the woodwork.

Where the fuck was your outrage, when trans women were dying in the streets at the hands of cis men?

Where the fuck was your outrage, when the pressures placed upon us claimed a body count that was nearly a coin flip?

Where the fuck was your outrage, when Queers were offing themselves because they had been told, over and over, by Christians and Muslims and Atheists alike, that their lives were disgusting and unimportant?

Where the fuck was your outrage, when North Carolina stripped Queer Americans of their rights?

Were you at the vigils?

 

The Edmonton vigil for Orlando

The Edmonton vigil for Orlando

 

Source: wiki commons

 

 

Were you at the protests?

protest2

Also the Edmonton vigil.

 

Source: static DNA India

The parades?

Source: Edmonton 2016 Pride festival, edmontontourism.

Source: Edmonton 2016 Pride festival, edmontontourism.

The fucking memorials??

Source: Times of Israel

 

 

Where the fuck have you been?

I don’t believe for a moment that you give a shit about Queer people except for our utility in being the foundation of your hate. When you’re absent from everything to do with us, when you’re ignorant of the violence we face from every organized religion and then more outside it, nearly every culture on this fucking planet, you can’t suddenly claim to give a shit about Queer deaths. I could paint my walls with the mugshots of every person who has murdered one of mine, and yes, there would be brown folks up there, black folks up there, Asian folks up there, and a whole lot of fucking white folks up there too.

But you are silent, absent, until now. Because the shooter claims membership to the Almighty Boogeyman of your fragile fucking psyche, has a brown name and brown skin, and is nominally a Muslim.

Islam is used to justify homophobia. Christianity is used to justify homophobia. Judaism is used to justify homophobia. Pseudoscience is used to justify homophobia. Racism is used to justify homophobia. Sexism is used to justify homophobia. DO YOU THINK I FUCKING CARE WHY SOMEONE SHOOTS ME?

Don’t you fucking tell me who I should be afraid of, that I ought to spurn the Queer Muslims holding my hand at the vigil, that the Christians offering prayers condemning hate and violence ought to be shunned, that the First Nations howling their grief in Cree as they appeal to someone or something I’ve never been introduced to are not my allies, because they believe in something impossible. They were there. You weren’t. Their tears were as real as mine. They may believe in fairy tales but at the end of the day, they were still fucking there, they’ve always been there, and they will continue to be there.

I know exactly who to watch.

After all, he was a gun-toting, queer-hating, hypermasculine, wife-beating, aspiring cop who shared fantasies about killing people. He’s your fucking poster boy.

-Shiv

Source.