I have a Cardi B song stuck in my head. I like the song, but it just won’t leave me alone. Maybe some writing will distract me…
Do your partner’s religious beliefs differ from yours? I’m an atheist – pretty straightforward. My husband doesn’t believe in god but believes in a higher power. It’s really just a slight difference and I can see where he’s coming from. Definitely not enough to make us incompatible.
When I was younger, I dated men from all different backgrounds. I was an equal-opportunity girlfriend and I think it’s kinda funny that I married someone so similar to me.
But when it comes to religion, I don’t think I could settle down with someone if they were really different from me.
I was once in a long-term relationship with a Jewish man. We lived together in Los Angeles. When I was with him I took classes on Judaism (that his parents paid for) and his family expected me to eventually convert.
While I’m not a Christian, I grew up in a Christian culture. My family colored Easter eggs and gave Christmas gifts. He wanted nothing to do with it. It became a touchy topic and made me really uncomfortable. Why was I the one expected to change?
There was a lot I didn’t understand (and probably still don’t). His Jewish family and friends often talked about being oppressed, but at the same time, these were the wealthiest people I had ever been around. I know their grandparents were oppressed, but I just didn’t see them as oppressed; I saw them as extremely privileged. Unfortunately, it kind of affected how I viewed Jewish people in America, but logically I know one family does not represent all Jews. It’s been years and I think I’m still processing it all.
Eventually, I left him and moved back in with my family in Ohio. It was at this time I finally got the help I needed for my mental health. Dating in recovery gave me a little more confidence, and I met some really interesting people.
After a year back in Ohio, I went back to school and dated an Indian man. We were both students at the same college. One day, we drove all the way to Pittsburgh to visit a Hindu temple. It was a long time ago and I don’t remember all the details, but it was nothing like anything I had ever experienced before. There were so many people there and it was definitely eye-opening. He never pushed his religion on me and I was very grateful to have experienced his culture without the pressure to change myself.
Then there was the conservative Christian (and virgin). We also met in college. He was dead-set on converting me and I didn’t budge. Had I converted just to please him, it would have been a lie. You can’t force someone to believe in something, and I’m not willing to fake it like so many people do. Obviously, it didn’t last very long. I really liked riding around in his truck though.
Lesson learned: if your partner wants to fundamentally change you, it’s probably not going to work out.
Soon after I met my husband and the rest was history. I was only twenty-four when I met my husband online. He always made me feel so comfortable. I can tell him anything and he doesn’t judge me. He’s easygoing, we have so much in common, and I always feel accepted. Sometimes we have really interesting discussions about religion and spirituality. I enjoy them. My husband and I believe similar things, but if we were exactly the same, maybe the discussions wouldn’t be as interesting.
If you are dating or when you were dating, how and when did religion come up? Have your partners’ views differed from yours? Did you avoid the topic, agree to disagree, or were you comfortable discussing it?
Religion always came up early for me as atheism has been an important part of my recovery.
How important is it to you for your partner to be similar or different from you? Did you settle down with someone with different views and how do you deal with that?
Also, can someone name a different song to get stuck in my head?
Now enjoy some weirdo art!
Just a friendly piece of advice, but you need to be more careful who you express those kind of opinions to. Certainly don’t be spaffing them out in public where anyone can see them. Anti-semitism is about the most toxic thing you can be accused of in the modern western world, apart from paedophile. I would characterise the paragraph above as an extremely risky thing to say even in friendly company, let alone here where literally any one can see it. I hope it doesn’t cause you trouble.
I always try to be honest in my posts, and like I said, there’s a lot I don’t understand. I hope people sense my confusion. I guess I’ve never understood why people can openly criticize Christianity and Islam, but not Judaism.
People absolutely can criticise Judaism just the same as they can criticise Christianity and Islam. That’s called free speech. But there are usually consequences.
People don’t because of the observable massive disconnect between the consequences of one vs. the other. Criticise Christianity, and people with actual power mostly shrug if they notice at all. Criticise Islam, they may even boost you. Criticise Judaism? Look at what happens to people who try it. It’s observably a completely different case.
Part of the reason may be the inescapable fact that Christianity isn’t tied to a single race, Islam isn’t identified with a specific race (except by ignorant idiots for whom Muslim=Arab or Muslim=Pakistani), but Judaism the religion and Jews the tiny, tiny ethnic minority are very much tied together, regardless of how many people of Jewish heritage profess atheism.
And that tiny tiny minority were (one of the (but for fuck’s sake don’t make that point)) targets of the Holocaust, which although there have been multiple genocides since, some with larger death tolls both relatively and absolutely (but again for fuck’s sake don’t mention that) is still the only one anyone with any power gives a shit or will allow anyone any significant cultural space to talk about.
If the wrong sort of person reads what you wrote above, what they will “sense” – and loudly call you out on – is your virulent anti-semitism. Good luck.
Oh, and…
I couldn’t imagine trying to live with someone who is actively religious. My wife and I have very different hobbies and personalities. Sometimes I think she would be happier if I shared some of her hobbies. But at other times I think she gets enjoyment from doing things at her own pace and on her own terms. I fear that if I joined in her hobbies she would feel both that she needed to help me catch up, and also she would feel like she was holding back. Neither of which she enjoys.
Luckily I am interested in everything in the crazy universe, so I can listen to her talk about her hobbies with enjoyment even if I don’t participate.
As for an ear-worm, for the past couple days I’ve been hearing Chicago’s, 25 or 6 to 4.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8A3HZvGN0qs
I told one of my reports yesterday about it, and he said he knew the band, but had never heard the song! What? Maybe I’m too old, but I thought it was one of their most popular songs. No accounting for taste I guess.
Cheers!
I was in a jazz band that played that song!
Regarding your Jewish ex and his family: Being wealthy and being oppressed are not mutually exclusive. Jews in the US (and in many other countries) are subject to religion-based hate crimes. In the US they are targeted by such crimes more than any other group, see https://www.statista.com/statistics/737660/number-of-religious-hate-crimes-in-the-us-by-religion/
Jewish institutions have various security measures. Leaders in such institutions receive training in dealing with attacks including hostage situations. (See the actions of rabbi in the Colleyville synagogue hostage crisis ). Wealth might help prepare for such situations (like pay for security measures), but can’t prevent them entirely.
That makes sense. I don’t know what it feels like to be Jewish and I certainly don’t support any kind of violence. I’ve never experienced anything like that. It just felt like such a juxtaposition when I was around my ex because they had such a massive amount of resources and opportunities available to them. It was hard to imagine anyone putting them down…but then again I am not in their shoes.
Re:being wealthy and oppressed:
“There’s not a white man in America who would trade places with me, and I’m rich”. – Chris Rock