You know, my wife and I have been married for over 30 years now, and I’ve been trying to explain proper marital roles to her, and she never listens. But now she’ll have to, because I’ve got this.

Years of doing chores around the house, including ironing, dishwashing, vacuuming and dusting, could turn heterosexual men gay, according to the results of a study headed by Dr. Kareem Ongyz, Turkey’s most famous sexologist from the University of Istanbul’s psychology department.

See? He’s a Dr, and he does studies. Checkmate, feminists and gay rights activists!

[Update: no, it’s a spoof. Still funny tho, just slightly less ironic.]

It’s not just some biased, self-confirming handwaving either. He’s got decades worth of data, and twelve months of actual tests.

“For decades we’ve known that doing household chores could lead to the weakening of a man’s libido and sexual confidence, which manifested itself as poor performance in the bedroom. The research I have been conducting for the past twelve months indicates that the problem is not of a physical nature, but rather a medical one, because doing a female’s chores for several months decreases the testosterone levels in a man’s body. The only cure is to avoid any similar activities for an extended period of time,” Dr. Ongyz said.

That makes it so clear, doesn’t it? See, some chores are male, and some chores are female. You just have to approach the chores from behind and lift up their tails and inspect their genitals, so that you can properly determine each chore’s gender. And by the way, can you think of any other research that’s capable of explaining why bachelors, living alone and doing their own chores, inevitably change their gender orientation? I’m not even talking about the well-known consequences of having all-male crews on board naval vessels and in combat military units, washing their own clothes and dishes, heedless of the terrible damage they were inflicting on their defenseless testicles.

Dr. Ongyz further clarifies for us the horrific, relentless decay that happens when men help out around the house.

[S]ymptoms include a lack of sexual desire, which is often misinterpreted by men as everyday fatigue. Furthermore, the psychologist claims that upon hearing that a man is tired because he was busy doing chores all day, a woman loses her sexual desire for the man as well. Rejected women will eventually stop attempting to initiate intercourse, leaving their partners no other option but to explore their sexuality on their own.

You can’t argue with logic like that. If a man is too tired to have sex with his wife, of course he’s going to turn to other men to satisfy the desires he doesn’t have any more. It’s so obvious!

There’s a little bit more in the article, but I’m going to have to stop here. For some reason, I seem to have a stitch in my side.