I wasn’t expecting this remix

Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University sang an a capella version of the Bed Intruder song at their Christmas show. Wha?

It’s pretty good, though my mind is boggled by a Christmas show at a right-wing evangelical school singing a song by an openly gay man about attempted rape. Especially considering the Dean of Law at Liberty University is also the founder of the Liberty Counsel, which puts out a list of “naughty” stores that say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”

Bed Intruder Song? Totally appropriate for Christmas.

Saying “Happy Holidays?” OMG you’re undermining Christianity by being inclusive!!!!

Got it.

Grad School Spirit

From PhD comics:Uh…

1. I know we’re the Huskies, but I have no idea what our specific mascot is called. I see a lot of undergrads wearing sweaters that say “Dawgs” on them, is that related?

Wikipedia informs me our mascot is Harry the Husky. Um, okay. Purdue Pete is way cooler.2. Purple and gold, right? …*checks Wikipedia* Phew, I’m right. It’s not some crazy-specific description like Purdue’s “old gold” (yes, there is a difference).

3. I have no goddamn idea. The only reason I learned Purdue’s fight song was because we were basically brainwashed during freshmen orientation.

4. Division I, Pac 10. I only know this from going to my undergrad at another Division I school.

5. No idea.

6. Derp?

7. I went on a bus by it once!

2 points. I am a graduate student!

Hey, I’m not as bad as some people. I’ve now been inside seven buildings on campus! …Though I’ve only been inside two of those more than once. Sigh.

The Hipster Bible

I appreciate this much more after having lived in Seattle for a couple of months:The only reason I don’t like hipsters is because they screw up my gaydar. Seriously, I might as well flip a coin. Especially in Capitol Hill.

Check out the rest here. I wish the whole Bible was translated this way!

(Via Godless Girl)

Me-ow-sis

What I saw:
What I thought: “Ha, biology lolcat! Wait… That’s not identical, obviously one has some sort of somatic mutation if that’s mitosis. The image would fit better if they were making a joke about meiosis, since crossing over occurs during meiosis I, resulting in non-identical daughter cells. But then what would meiosis II result in? Half-cats? Kittens?”

Goddammit grad school, you’re making me overanalyze funny pictures of cats. I’m doomed.

I watched someone fuck a crucifix

That’s my special way of saying that HUMP was fucking brilliant. Or brilliant fucking. Whichever way you want to look at it, it was amazing.

Me: *takes out a pen and paper*
Friend: …Are you going to take notes?
Me: I’m a blogger, shush!

It’s hard to explain exactly how much awesome was packed into these videos, but here were some highlights, including my personal picks for the awards:

  • Stop motion porn, with a literal pearl necklace representing ejaculation…and becoming a pearl necklace.
  • A fivesome…where two of the participants were alien blow up dolls.
  • Fucking on a pile of coffee beans, resulting in the beans being cutely stuck to the guy’s butt.
  • “Bukkake Circus” – yes, it involves bukkake AND scary clowns. I don’t know if it was more or less scary because it was animated.
  • A beautifully artistic video on fireplay
  • Items laying around indicating a raunchy public sexcapade…pan to the police car, only to find a couple that looks like your mom and dad sitting in the back. Hilariously cute ending.
  • Claymation monster sex.
  • The best It Gets Better Project video ever. The guy is trying to give a serious talk while being blown off camera. Once the camera pans out, they fuck like bunnies to prove that it indeed gets better. Much better.
  • A funny yet hot video on the do’s and don’ts of electricplay, where no people were actually shown, but the audio alone was amazing.
  • While the electricplay video was really hot, I had to vote for the most blasphemous video for Best Kink. It started with a nun masturbating to a photo of Jesus. I was dying at “Fuck me hard, Jesus!” but it just kept getting more and more blasphemous. She squirted all over a photo of Jesus. Then she finds some random guy on the street to blow, the whole time the both of them saying stuff like “My boyfriend Jesus is going to punish me for this…eternally.” The climax of the video involved the nun sticking the long skinny part of her crucifix necklace into the urethra of the guy’s penis. I already find sounding (yes, it has a name) uncomfortable to watch, but I think the fact that it was with a crucifix suitably shocked most of the audience. Oh, and while it was happening, the guy said “I feel the Lord inside me!” Yeah, now you know why I had to vote for this.
  • My vote for Best Sex went to the video where we learned that the logos for Apple and Nike were created after some hot as hell gay sex. Like, wow. The only bad thing about this video is that it means there are two more super attractive guys in the world who are gay *shakes fist*
  • The video I picked for Best of Show and Best Humor was insanely witty, and definitely received the most laughter from the audience. They took an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos and made porn videos to replace the original ones, but they fit absolutely perfectly with the host’s commentary and audience reactions. They even had pornified commercials, which were just as perfect. I laughed so hard I started to cry.

People kept asking me, “Don’t you think it’s going to be awkward watching porn in a room full of strangers – or worse, with friends?” Obviously those people don’t know me that well. The first video was super funny, which helped diffuse any tension that was in the room. But watching with other people is what made it even more enjoyable. Hearing the audience laugh or cry “aaauuuuugggghhhh” in unison was great, as was glancing over to see my friends’ reactions to a particularly funny or horrifying bit.

Friend: *whispers* That was my first gay sex video I’ve ever watched!
Me: *shakes hand*

Overall, I was impressed by the quality of the videos. Most were very well done cinematically and artistically. And honestly, the people were way more attractive and the sex was way hotter than your stereotypical porn because it wasn’t super fake. Seriously, porn industry, not everyone needs a foot long cock and fake boobs to make something erotic.

And a personal highlight – I finally got to meet Dan Savage! When we were waiting to go inside the theater he recognized me, said hello, gave me a hug, and then we chatted for a bit. I can’t get over how I listen to his podcast and read his posts on Slog religiously, and then he’s telling me that he reads my blog every day and is looking forward to my review of HUMP. It’s just so bizarrely awesome to have someone you respect so much say that. So, uh, hi Dan, and thanks!

HUMP managed to exceed my expectations, and I had pretty high expectations going in. This is definitely becoming a yearly tradition for me as long as I’m in Seattle – and maybe even beyond that!

I'm going to HUMP tonight!

…I mean the noun, not the verb! HUMP is Dan Savage’s brainchild – an amateur porn film festival right here in Seattle. I’m super excited. Everyone I’ve talked to who’s been before says it’s amazing – you know it’s going to be good when there’s a prize for “Best Humor.” And I hear the gays usually outdo the breeders, which is even better.

I still think a graduate school themed porno is just begging to be made. Think of the possibilities:

Student A: Sigh, another night all alone in the lab.
Student B: *knock knock* I have a reagent delivery for you… in my pants.
Student A: Oh yeah baby, make me matriculate! *six years later* Almost… there…

It would give a whole new meaning to “interdisciplinary collaborations.”

Feel free to amuse yourself with amusing graduate school themed innuendos and title suggestions in the comments.

Can I try to Pharyngulate a poll?

The Bad Faith awards are up at the New Humanist. You can vote for who was the biggest “enemy of reason” in 2010. Let me point out who one of the choices is:

Ahhh!!! My arch-nemesis! …If saying a stupid thing about women and science that I later mocked and accidentally turned into a viral boob related meme qualifies someone for arch-nemesis status.

Anyway, you can vote for whoever you want, since there are plenty of “deserving” candidates, but I’ll be voting the pro-boobquake ticket.

Someone please make this for us evolutionary biologists

This man is a genius:

Tired of arguing with climate change deniers in 140 character quips, [Nigel Leck] wrote a script to do it for him. Chatbot @AI_AGW scans Twitter every five minutes searching for hundreds of phrases that fit the usual denier argument paradigm. Then it serves them up some science.

Those responses are pulled from a database of hundreds of responses that the software matches up to the argument made by the original tweeter. Those who claim the entire solar system is warming are met with something like: “Sun’s output has barely changed since 1970 & is irrelevant to recent global warming” followed by a link to corresponding scientific research.

People on the other end of an argument don’t usually pick up on the fact that they are arguing with a program and will continue the argument. And AI_AGW continues to fire back responses. Even when the tweeter keeps throwing the same argument at the chatbot, it will respond with a variety of different arguments and links.

Programmers, please get on this. It gets so old dealing with the same ignorant arguments over and over again. I would kill for an automated Index to Creationist Claims. Sure, we may only educate a small fraction of people making the claims – the ones who are open to science but simply haven’t learned about evolution. But the rest of the time, the hilarity of watching hardcore creationists argue with a bot would make all the effort worth it.

Atheist Christmas Carol contest winners!

Today is the release of the American edition of The Atheist’s Guide to Christmas! It features a bunch of new authors, including yours truly. A week ago I started a contest to give away a couple free copies of the book:

Write new lyrics for an old Christmas carol that have a godless or scientific theme.

All of your entries were so brilliant that I had an extremely hard time picking the winners! Please forgive me if yours wasn’t chosen – it was tough. Here are the three winners who will be receiving copies of the book:

Winner #1: Chabneruk

To the tune of “The 12 Days of Christmas”:

“On the first day a big mess exploded loud and free – remember the Big Bang Theory.

On the second day the suns and the planets came to be. No lifeforms yet,
but remember the Big Bang Theory.

On the third day volcanoes erupted ceaselessly. ‘Twas pretty hot, no lifeforms yet, but remember the Big Bang Theory.

On the fourth day the landmasses grew above the sea. No God involved, still pretty hot, no lifeforms yet, but remember the Big Bang Theory.

On the fifth day the first cells swam around with glee. Naaaature is hot! No God involved, weather now fine, lifeforms are there, but remember the Big Bang Theory.

On the sixth day there’s backbones and eyes for all to see. Pretty cool stuff, Naaature is hot! No God involved, weather now fine, lifeforms are glad, but remember the Big Bang Theory.

On the seventh day some lifeforms came ashore to pee. They had legs a-running, pretty cool stuff, Naaature is hot! No God involved, weather now fine, lifeforms are glad, but remember the Big Bang Theory.

On the eight day the lizards ruled the land and sea. Introduce extinction, legs a-running no help, pretty cool stuff, Naaature is hot! No God involved, weather rather cold, lifeforms are few, but remember the Big Bang Theory.

On the ninth day some pre-apes decided to stand free. Soon they were dancing, around camp fires, with legs a-running, pretty cool stuff, Naaature is hot! No God involved, weather still cold, lifeforms have fun, but remember the Big Bang Theory.

On the tenth day the first priest invented idiocy. Gods everywhere now, they want us dancing, with legs a-hurting, oh, what a shame – aaall without proof! Gods getting pop’lar, weather now warm, lifeforms do pray, no one knows the Big Bang Theory.

On the eleventh day the churches controlled the minds unfree. Just one God, which one is right, they want crusaders, with swords a-slinging, oh, what a shame – aaall without proof! Monotheism, weather quite dark, lifeforms do pray, no one knows the Big Bang Theory.

*pitch upwards*

On the twelfth day the clever ones finally broke free! No more Gods, but atheism, science is right, tell the believers: “No swords a-slinging, no holy war, Naaature is hot!” Jen writes her blog, weather is sunny, lifeforms shall think and we all love the Big Bang Theoryyyyyy!”

Winner #2: Ray

To the tune of “Angels We Have Heard on High”:

We four horsemen honestly are
Unimpressed by Yaweh so far.
Explanation for creation?
Really, he’s quite subpar.

Chorus:
O-oh
You can wonder at the night
You can call yourself a “Bright”;
Not a smidgen of religion
Do you need for living right!

Harris:
If you think some cultural swill
Makes it right to torture and kill,
That’s perverse, not just diverse:
Maybe you’re mentally ill.

[Chorus]

Dennett:
Made by evolution are we,
Built to act beneficently.
Since we’re soulless, we control us:
We can be truly free

[Chorus]

Dawkins:
Nature’s strange selection machine
Need not make you nasty or mean
Or a creep. The nicest people
Came from a selfish gene

[Chorus]

Hitchens:
Humans shouldn’t cower or crawl;
Faith just makes us hateful and small,
We’ll start growing strong by knowing
God isn’t great at all!

Grand Prize Winner: Quester

Really, there’s no difference in the prizes, but every one of Quester’s songs cracked me up, so I thought they deserved special distinction:

To tune of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”:

There’s Mercury, Saturn,
Neptune and Venus,
Jupiter, Earth,
Mars and Uranus,
but someone has morphed
our ninth planet into a dwarf.

Pluto’s a minor planet
according to the IAU.
Better not criticize them,
or they will redefine you, too.
Eris may be more massive
and Ceres trying to compete
but now that we’ve demoted Pluto
our solar system’s incomplete.

From 1930 to 2006
Pluto was planet nine
but a recalculation of it’s mass
put it’s status in decline.

Still, Pluto is special
Maybe soon IAU’ll agree
To re-redefine the moon Charon
and Pluto as a binary!

To the tune of “Silver Bells”:

Get yourself some ferrous metals-
nickel, iron, cobalt, steel,-
each of these
are attracted
to magnets.

They have north poles
and have south poles.
Opposite poles attract.
But can anyone tell me how magnets work?

Miracles. Miracles?
That might satisfy a clown posse.
Hypothesize. Experiment.
Maybe we’ll find out the truth!

Running current
through a wire
creates a magnetic field
so this may involve
moving electrons.

The Ampere model
of the magnet
presumes circular bound currents,
but who even knows what
that means?

Miracles. Miracles.
These mark the place we have stopped thinking.
Magnetic force? Magnetic fields?
Reality can blow us away!

To the tune of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”:

“You better watch out
You better beware,”
Sedighi warns us
all to take care,
“women are immodestly dressed.”

“They corrupt chasity,
lead young men astray,
the power of their cleavage causes moral decay.
Women are immodestly dressed.”

Can miniskirts cause earthquakes
as Sedighi insists?
Let’s put this thory to the test!
What scientist could resist?

So, pull on short shorts,
or something tight-fit,
choose your best weapons
and laugh for a bit.
Maybe we can cause a boobquake!

Congratulations to Chabneruk, Ray, and Quester! Like I said, it was really difficult picking three, since you guys did an excellent job. Here are some honorable mentions that I also enjoyed:

Even though UncountablyFinite couldn’t get his camera to sync, I was impressed by his singing ability!

Elizabeth Anne also impressed me with her singing ability, and got bonus points for raunchy lyrics:

EdenBunny‘s songs make the Grinch in me giggle:

To the tune of “Oh Christmas Tree”

Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree,
Leftover ancient ritual,
It seems to be
The masses re-
-spect it ‘cos it’s habitual.

Oh what a joy to kill a tree,
Expend much electricity,
Eventually, the waste will be,
Disposed of quite expediently.

Oh solstice tree, what fun to see
Your pointless luminosity.
Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree,
Environmental atrocity.

To the tune of “Deck the Halls”

Fa la la la la, la la la la.
In our public education,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Answer reason with defiance,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Totally ignoring science,
Fa la la la la, la la, la la.
Kids believe what they are to-old,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Earth is six thousand years o-old,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
God used melanin to da-amn,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la,
All the descendants of Ha-am,
Fa la la la la, la la, la la.

Schools can make religious pitches,
Fa la la la la, la la la la,
Kill the homos and the witches,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
We are normal and they’re o-odd
Fa la la, la la la, la la la,
Because that’s the word of Go-od,
Fa la la la la, la la, la la.

Good thing Ray won with his other song, because I think she momentarily forgot who was judging this contest:

To the tune of “Must Be Santa Claus”

Who’s got a beak and a bunch of arms?
Squid’s got a beak and a bunch of arms.

Who wins our love with its squiddly charms?
Squid wins our love with its squiddly charms.

Beak and arms, squidly charms:

Must be cephalo-
Must be cephalo-
Must be cephalo- cephalopods!

Who lies around in Jurassic shales?
Squid lies around in Jurassic shales.

Who’s inspiration for Lovecraft’s tales?
Squid’s inspiration for Lovecraft’s tales.

Beak and arms, squiddly charms,
Long time gone, Cthulhu ftagn:

Must be cephalo-
Must be cephalo-
Must be cephalo- cephalopods!

Who washes up on the ocean shores?
Squid washes up on the ocean shores.

Who likes to shoot spermatophores?
Squid likes to shoot spermatophores.

Beak and arms, squiddly charms,
Long time gone, Cthulhu ftagn,
Ocean wrecks, freaky sex:

Must be cephalo-
Must be cephalo-
Must be cephalo- cephalopods!

Who’s in the order called Teuthida?
Squid’s in the order called Teuthida.

Who’s also found in Spirulida?
Squid’s also found in Spirulida.

Who’s got a cell of enormous size?
Squid’s got a cell of enormous size.

Whose cell has won the Nobel prize?
Squid’s cell has won the Nobel prize.

Beak and arms, squiddly charms,
Long time gone, Cthulhu ftagn,
Ocean wrecks, freaky sex,
Teuthid taxon, giant axon:

Must be cephalo-
Must be cephalo-
Must be cephalo- cephalopods!

And finally, Fredjs73 wins the award for “Putting Your Fantasies About a Blogger To Verse And Making Her Laugh Instead of Run Away.” A dangerous award to attempt, but exciting to win, I’m sure (his bashful pre-apologizing and my twisted sense of humor helped).

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the flat
Not a Guinness was pouring, from neither bottle nor vat.
The stockings were hung by the bedpost with care
While the fresh scent of Astroglide hung through the air.

The heathens were nestled all snug on the floor
While visions of Jager Bombs tormented them more.
Sweet Blag Hag in her blanky and I in the buff
Had just finished up from some lovin’ ‘n’ stuff.

When out on the street there arose such a clatter
I tripped o’er my cockring to see what was the matter.
Away to the door with my hands on my junk
For to not shock my old neighbor, Miss Gwendoline Funk!

I tore open the door and felt chills in me nuts
Without care, without worry for appearing a klutz.
When, what to my unsober eyes should appear,
But an ol’ rusted nineteen-ninety-nine blue Cavalier!

With a little old driver, so lively and wired,
I knew it a moment – it’s ol’ PZ Myers!
More rapid than vertebrates, his coursers they came
Through his full and grey beard he did call them by name.

“Now, Sepia, Architeuthis, Cuttlebone and Radula!
On Nautilus, Onykia, and smug Argonauta!
Go up to the porch to that uncircumsised guy!”
And once they had done so, what did I espy?

A bottomless case of both beer and vermuth
What treasure, what wonder and what generous couth!
Said PZ “Now, sir, you must tend back to Jen
For methinks she is waiting for some lovin’ again!

I reached in the case but more than beverage I saw
T’was a coupon for pizza, poutine and cole slaw!
I thanked him and smiled, both some horny and famished
When PZ he pointed, “To thy bed ye be banished!”

Away he then flew with his wet, squishy crew
Into the cold night back to blog and review.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight:
“Happy Christmas, now back to pleasure Ms. Jen McCreight!

Man, you guys were great! I’m looking forward to seeing YouTube videos of these pop up closer to Christmas. Well, maybe the last one doesn’t need animation…

Thanks to everyone who participated!