This is heartbreaking. Nazim Mahmood jumped to his death from a balcony seven months ago after coming out to his parents. His partner of 13 years, Matthew Ogston, talks to Sarfraz Manzoor.
The two were soon inseparable. Matthew was working as a web designer and Nazim was a medical student. Their families did not know they were gay. After a year they bought a house. It had two bedrooms so their families might assume they were just housemates. “We used to have to keep the window blinds in our front room closed so no one would see us,” says Matthew. “When we walked down the street we made sure there was some distance between us just in case a family member of his spotted us together.”
They grew tired of looking over their shoulders and wanted to stop hiding, so when Nazim was offered a job at a London hospital in 2004 they seized the opportunity to move to the capital. They would be far from their families, in a city where they knew no one and could fashion a new life together. “In London we felt free,” Matthew says. “We didn’t have to worry about bumping into our parents.”
They were happy, but Nazim was sad about the distance from his family.
The following year, Matthew came out to his parents, who were loving and accepting of both of them, but for Nazim, whose family were culturally conservative Muslims, the only strategy was to keep the solid borderlines between the old life in Birmingham and the new life in London.
And then one day he did tell them, and two days later he jumped off that balcony.
Matthew was suicidal himself.
He is convinced that Nazim spoke to him, telling him to set up a foundation to help other young gay men and women driven to depression because of religious homophobia. He had a reason to go on at last.
The Naz and Matt Foundation was announced at a special service held in London for Nazim, two weeks after his funeral. The service featured contributions from a gay Muslim, gay Hindu, a gay vicar, a trainee Rabbi and a lesbian interfaith minister. Matthew has been seeing a psychotherapist but he doubts any counsellor can help to liberate him from the questions that haunt him. “I don’t have answers to the questions I have and I can’t find peace of mind because there are no answers.”
Who does Matthew blame for Nazim’s death? “I blame a community that is so closed minded to allow these bigoted views that make families believe that their honour is more important than loving their children,” he says. “The respect and honour of the family is more important than the happiness of the children they gave birth to. How sick is that?”
The sickest.
They were engaged for three years but didn’t marry. “I have applied to have my name changed by deed poll to the name I would have adopted when we got married,” he says.
Why didn’t they get married? “Naz said it would not feel right to marry without being able to invite his mother,” says Matthew. “He wanted the unconditional love of his mum – that was all he had ever wanted: love and acceptance.”
The Mahmood family cannot even reach the empathy level of Dick Cheney.
What the hell kind of “honor” is that???
My idea of honor would entail defending my children against all comers. (unless I thought my children were wrong)
I remember when, in 1974, I got my left ear pierced. In ’74 that was edgy for a guy. My dad saw it and said nothing. At my birthday that year, he gave me a nice gold earring. My dad, the tweedy university professor, was a fountain of honor we were all bathed in.
My parents once told when I was about thirteen that they would always love and support me no matter what. I asked “What about if I murdered someone?” Long pause, then my mother said ” I am sure you would only do that for a very good reason.”
There’s a difference between family honour and personal honour.
It may not be for everyone and many won’t want to, but sometimes it’s better to cut ties with one’s family than to live in an oppressive atmosphere. It’s one of the best things I ever did for myself.
People are not required to interact with abusers after they leave a relationship (idiot judges in England excepted). We wouldn’t demand that of people who leave abusive common law or marriage relationships maintain contact, so why should being blood related grant special privileges? You have to act in your own best interests – others’ “feelings” do not trump one’s own physical or mental well being.
It’s not surprising that religion is often invovled, since they act the same way about “blasphemy” and free speech. They worry about their own “feelings” first and put them ahead of other people’s rights.
Oh, sure, but I think it’s pretty clear from this that Nazim loved his mother (or maybe both parents) and simply didn’t want to cut ties. Which makes it all the more heartbreaking.
They even deliberately gave Matthew the wrong time for the funeral so he would miss the ceremony. How can anyone be so heartless?
“They even deliberately gave Matthew the wrong time for the funeral so he would miss the ceremony. How can anyone be so heartless?”
That struck me too.
Shitty right to the end – and beyond.
I have seen this kind of shit in my own family–although not religiously rationalized. People become so imprisoned by a delusional world view and the ego defense mechanisms built up to protect that delusional world view that they would sooner give up relationships with those they claim to love than give up their delusions. It’s tragic.