Despite being raised in rural Ohio, I’ve never been very religious, and quite frankly, it’s a little disturbing to imagine what I would be like if I were.
My World in a Nutshell
I have always been a really intense person. My feelings run deep and my passion is fiery. I’m one of those emotional creative types with too much ambition and a mind that takes me to dark places. I also have some serious mental health issues that only fan the flames.
I question my reality a lot – did this really happen the way I think it did? Rational thought meets overwhelming emotions. Oftentimes my world differs from the real world. The atheist in me looks for simple answers – the ones the evidence actually points to – but my mentally ill brain tends to complicate everything. I know my feelings and experiences are valid but sometimes I overthink and under analyze.
A Disturbing Thought
Knowing all this, could you imagine what I would be like if I were religious? Holy shit! My complicated brain would become a raging dumpster fire. I can’t even imagine how far I would take it. When I find something I’m interested in, I give it my all.
I’m not a very social person but regardless, I know how to use my voice. Art and writing mean everything to me and I’m sure I would use them to spread the word.
But what would that do in my personal life? How would that affect my daughter?
I’m not going to lie – this is a really weird and frightening thing to think about.
I have a schizophrenic disorder and I’ve seen many people with similar diagnoses become religious fanatics. Thankfully I’m stable on medication and haven’t gone down that road.
A Secular Life to the Rescue
I’ve often thought that atheism has contributed to the shreds of sanity I cling to. I couldn’t imagine if that were gone.
I decided long ago that I would use my relentless drive for good instead of evil. Despite my head being in the clouds most of the time, I really do value common sense. My mental illness tends to muddy up my life but atheism has brought me some longed-for and much-needed clarity.
What would you be like if you were religious? Or perhaps you were religious in the past — what were you like? Were you ever a fanatic?
I was never a believer. My body was sent to Sunday School and church, but I don’t remember ever believing any of it.
The deeply religious people I know always seem so miserable and belligerent. For example, when I walk my dog, there’s this one house with a retired man. You don’t talk to him. If you call out “have a good day” (standard for this area), he’ll launch into how it’s a good day because The Lord allows it and The Lord gave him another day to convince the sinners to repent and he’s got a LOT he wants to tell me and hey, where am I going, get back here so he can “school” me on the Bible! HEY!” In other words, I can walk faster than he can run and he’s VERY ANGRY about it because as a white man, it’s his PRIVILEGE to lecture me about his religious beliefs and how dare I deprive him of his GOD-GIVEN RIGHT?!?!?
Interesting question. I’d most likely have started out as modern Orthodox Jewish (because Judaism is always the religion that resonated most with me, to the point where I looked seriously into converting, and because by nature I share your trait of going all in on things) and moved over to Liberal Jewish (because the going-all-in trait is one I’ve tried to modify with common sense and proportion as life has gone on).
I’ve thought about that too. I think it’d be better for me if I were a believer. Rather than blame myself or others, I could blame a god. I wouldn’t feel the sense of responsibility I do. I know lots of good people who are religious, and I once had the comfort of belief, but too many things just don’t make sense in that world and it’s no longer available to me.